Hmm.
Except she killed herself, of course. The inspiring quote should really come with that disclaimer.
So I went to my daughters parent teacher conference yesterday. The teacher sang her praises. She is independent, self motivated, precise, cares about her work, wants to follow directions and wants to please, cultivates friendships easily, is reading a year or two ahead of her age, works well with others.......in general the teacher said that she would have it easy if the two of them had 17 other Julia's. The only thing that she brought up was that Julia seemed to be hard on herself when she made a mistake. She also didn't like to have attention drawn to her, outside of sports. When made captain of the soccer relay she was doing she was all in. But make her sing out loud? She isn't buying it. And as I heard her words, as I sat next to my husband (my generally easy going husband).......I knew, as I've known since she was 13 months old, that this sweet, smart girl was all me. It comes from within, of course, as my two boys are nothing like that and we have parented our children the same, especially the same given their close spacing. She is who she is like they are who they are.
Anyway. I taught again today, as I taught last week. Last week I felt I made a muck of it, and this week I really thought I had it all worked out. Then, of course, we found out we needed a project shirt, which necessitated a target run BEFORE school, packing two lunches dressing three kids feeding myself and three others, cleaning it all up, dropping off three kids at two schools, and doing a full foodshop...all before arriving at the studio at 10:15. I admit, I was less than zen as I got there. Nonetheless, I had practiced this a bunch of times in front of my fireplace at 6 am, and I thought I really had it. It's hard, guys. Its really hard. When 15 people are staring at you, and you are mirroring poses to them, and you see someone doing something wrong and your brain starts running "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG WHAT DIDN"T I SAY IM SAYING IT ALL WRONG THEY ARENT GETTING IT" and then I start to get rattled. My voice quavers a bit. And once I get rattled I lose left and right, and I lose confidence. And its ALL about confidence.
And here's the thing. I have a history of not doing things that don't come easily to me. I "Played" the violin, flute, piano, and guitar. Can't play any of them. Because it was hard and didn't come easily. I "learned" spanish. But can't speak much more than basics today....because it didn't come easily.
I am a coward when it comes to things that don't come easily to me, because enough things came easily that I could just do them. So this whole yoga thing? It is making me feel INTENSELY vulnerable and full of self doubt. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I'm really good at DOING yoga. Teaching it? I don't know. Granted, I have only had 4 weekends of school so far......and I did just talk to a friend who recently went through a 200 hour program and hasn't or didn't teach a class during her training (not knocking that, just saying that that brought me immense relief)....as maybe its just so early that I'm SUPPOSED to feel awkward?
Awkward is the feeling I run from in life. I hate awkward. And here I am putting myself up on a little STAGE being awkward. And the clothes, hot Christ the clothes. I need new clothes stat. My gym clothes were fine for the gym, I wore a ton of good old cheapo gap body or whatever their workout line is tanks. They fit great when I'm standing up. NOT APPROPRIATE for yoga. Its boobs all over the place. So I panicked and bought some long sleeve fitteds. But then I SWEAT because first off I'm nervous and second off I sweat like a fiend when I work out.
So. Comfort zone. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. HATE LEARNING CURVE.
Clothes, must teather the breasts.
Wanting perfection? MUST TAME IT. I was so frustrated at myself today (everyone in the class said "good job! and I had tears in my eyes during shavasana as I had beaten myself up the entire practice thinking of what I could have done better......) and also had tears because I don't ever, ever want my sweet girl to feel that way. So if I want her to be brave, to learn to laugh at herself and her missteps, to be okay with being so not perfect at something.......shouldn't I ask the same of myself first?
Glad to hear our talked help... I am way impressed that you are teaching and I would be popping my pants I was nervous just teaching my classmates who I love and support me.. Super scary rock on my friend
ReplyDelete*pooping my pants.... Lol
ReplyDeleteTo me teaching is even harder than the much-feared public speaking. I can give a speech. But when you teach, you are responsible for seeing that people "get it." (Within the context of the class and their level of participation, but you know what I mean.) So while you are up there with perfect form, giving great teaching prose, it makes sense that you would feel some anxiety when you see a student struggling. I think it's kind of like being a parent...you aren't always perfect, but as long as you worry about doing a good job, you "parenting." Okay, not sure this is making sense, but it seems to me that you have the most important parts of being a good teacher...personal knowledge, desire to share that knowledge and concern over whether your willing students are learning what you are trying to teach.
ReplyDeleteAnd the kid stuff? I'm kind of more surprised that people don't push the nature theory versus nurture after having kids. Maybe it's just my kids, but they had very distinct personality traits present from birth. Before I had time to screw them up. ;) And yes, they definitely have neurosis from each parent that we work to help them deal with, but I don't think parenting is creating those issues. I hope.
there are several poses where I still have to have the internal dialogue of "I'm reaching towards my left. Right is opposite of left, SAY REACH TO YOUR RIGHT." I've always been left/right challenged though. And I don't mirror every pose, it's hard! How are you teaching? I always teach with students' mats perpendicular to mine, so that takes some of the mirroring out of the equation - though I know different schools teach different ways, and it's a good skill to have.
ReplyDeleteAnd as an aside my best boob tamer tanks are actually target C9 champion ones! (that said, the girls are mere shadows of their former selves so it's not as big an issue for me!)
ReplyDeleteThe C9 are my favorites too, but I am not super busty. They keep everything locked down!
ReplyDeleteJenn mirroring IS hard!!! I'm good with basics as I've oriented myself to the room- since they are facing me I know which wall is ALWAYS the right or left wall. I always start with the right side so know to always life my left arm. But in twists and stuff where we are looking up over a shoulder or have an arm wrapped around ourselves it can get so confusing! And then that pause to stop and sort out right nd left just messes up the whole flow of what you are saying, you know? I'm hoping to eventually teach more ashtanga and non beginner classes where the cueing is easier as people already know where they are going for the most part - but they are really stressing this teaching beginners type if teaching - which means so much basic cueing about feet and right/left stuff! The studio has the teacher up on a slightly raised platform and the beginner classes are always set up with the mats long sides facing me. Thanks for the tips on the tanks, will check them out :)
ReplyDeleteI am sure you did a fabulous job. You actually care whether the students understand and learn - that sets you apart from so many right there!
ReplyDeleteI also think (and have been trying to learn through this tough year) that so much of living and loving is experiencing and acknowledging the whole range of emotions. You can revel in the joy of knowing you rock at something. You can acknowledge your apprehensions/nervousness about something else, or your fears or pain or whatever -- and through the acknowledging, conquer them. It's the cramming it down inside that effs us up so much. (or so I am trying to learn!) happy to be your clueless left/right yoga student any day!
xo