Plan B

 Facebook guts you sometimes. I remember this day like it was yesterday. We had just. been discharged from CHOP after 5 long unexpected days in the hospital post surgery. Jake hemorrhaged this Monday, 5 years ago. At the end of it all there may not be many events that stick in my memory for the long term......but this will be one o them.

 Dissecting a heart yesterday in science class. All of a sudden my oldest feels so mature. I can see his body starting to grow/thicken out, but mostly I see his mind starting to expand. The ability to consider consequences, to have empathy, and to put others before himself are all traits that are just blossoming in Luke. He has turned into a wickedly sharp little dude who struggled mightily with self control (thanks Mom) for a bit there, but has rounded the turn and is maturing into a really amazing young man. I'm glad I know him.

Sunset, last night. We had kids here and kids there and I just got in the car and drove away. This is less than a mile from my house. There is something magical about sneaking away for 10 minutes to take in a sunset. Because I taught last weekend its been many days in a row of teaching for me, nearing two weeks! I'm looking forward to being off today and tomorrow. We had planned to be in Breckenridge this weekend but the Super Bowl changed things. Instead I'm taking a yoga workshop this AM in downtown Denver and then we may hike this afternoon. The truth is that the snow is so lousy it isn't worth going.  Tomorrow some more yoga and lots of cooking for the Super Bowl party!

One of my biggest downfalls is that I love instant gratification. I love it! Tell me I'm good, tell me you love me, let me see the job done just so so I can move on. You know? Over the past 8 months I feel grounded in a new way. Whatever it was booze did to me/my emotions/my anxiety, it did a real number. I feel like its taken a long time for my head to entirely clear, but its happening. I can't even imagine needing help wth anxiety these days, and feel so lucky to me medication free. Change takes time. It is amazing though, I actually wrote a list of all of the reasons I felt that alcohol and I had to break up. I also wrote a list of "I am" statements. They were written at a time when I felt very low, and yet as I look back now I can see that just about every one of those statements have come true. It's taken 8 months, but it has happened on just the right timeline. I believe that the blessings that come from being true to yourself are so rich, so deep, that what I have seen manifest in just 8 months is nothing. Of course I'm not 100% who I want to be right now, today. If that were true I'd be at the end of my journey. Isn't it amazing though that I still have maybe 40 some more years to work on it!?!?! Buckets of gratitude, today, buckets of gratitude.