This rest business.

It's hard. I'm not good at it.

I have really been trying, however. Avoiding the gym, I joined a new place called PureEnergy. They have fabulous Yin and Gentle yoga classes, all set in one of the prettiest studios that I have ever seen. I love the atmosphere there, and its been easy to really relax into the warm room in these cold, cold days that we are finally having. Some weeks I do it perfectly, and then some weeks (like last week, feeling a little bit overloaded with our upcoming vacation and a thousand logistics with Nate away all of this week and 10 days with a very big secret to be kept leading up to the trip ~ Disney is a surprise ~ and the difficulty of planning for a very variable climate between Orlando and Naples) I give in and just work out, all the time wondering if I'm doing more harm than good. I know it's good for my head, just not sure that it's good for my body……which when it comes to exercise, something that I have done my entire life, it confusing and counterintuitive. It's frustrating knowing that something is "off" inside of me, but not knowing why.

As good as the rest is for my body (at least, I think, I guess we will know more after I see the endocrinologist)……it is sometimes hard on my mind. I miss the good old fashioned endorphin rush of a hard session at the gym, or a good class like body combat or total body conditioning. However, I really, really want to get this cortisol issue behind me. I feel like I'm shooting arrows in the dark, though, knowing that it exists and not being able to see a specialist yet. Should I quit drinking coffee? Is there actual value to the Holy Basil and Rhodiola? Should I be out late with friends like I was this weekend or is that further stressing my body? I find myself second guessing a lot of what I'm doing, which is a feeling that I'm not used to.

We are on the cusp of our vacation to FL, a mix of busy days at the Disney parks and then golf and unwinding in Naples. It looks as though we are getting out in the nick of time as a big snowstorm is heading this way, pulling into town mere hours after we (hopefully!) fly out. It is SO HARD keeping this a secret from the kids, and I get a little giddy when I picture the moment when we actually get to tell them the plan. A lot is going on around the house while we are gone and when we first get home, some painting, some carpet cleaning, etc as we get ready to list the house. We find out the transfer details the first week of Feb, right as we celebrate Nate's birthday and our 10 year anniversary. Much to celebrate! It all seems a bit….surreal, yet. I can't wait to actually go out there and house hunt, to decide where we want to live, to make this more visceral and real rather than something I find myself day dreaming about. Like most big change, its exciting and scary in pretty much equal measure. Right now I am most grateful for the few weeks of "normal" that I have been given before this vacation, the simple cadence to the week, teaching, volunteering, kids sports, date nights, seeing friends. I've kept on top of my goals of purging the house and its looking pretty good around here. Baby steps towards all that is coming, right? Just like you flow from one pose into another, moving logically in your yoga practice, I have to simply take the next step as I move through this process. That is all that it is, a process, and I have to move through it logically, allowing it to happen. There is absolutely nothing that I can force, no step I can jump past or through, so at times I simply have to sit with it. I'm getting better at this. Daily meditation really, really helps this process.

One step. Then the next.