Marathoning

Sunrise outside our door on an early morning run. I was up at 4 am the first few days, by 5:30 I was the first person at Starbucks every day, AFTER my workout.

Sunrise run up the coast.

My honey and I on the road to Hana.

Amazing panorama of sunset.

SNUBA with my big kids!

I finally caught up to life post vacation! Coming back to Nate traveling and heading into school Halloween parties was busy, but we have gotten past it all thanks to a wonderful bunch of parties and get togethers with friends. Halloween was fun! The kids planned their costumes and of course had to involve the Dog this year. She was a good sport and had fun walking around with their friends on a cool but beautiful night.

I've been coming to a lot of realizations, lately. Last year was wonderful in some ways (all of the excitement of moving and exploring a new place), but it was horrible in some ways, too. The move was so hard ~ though its what we wanted to do, I don't know that I fully appreciated how difficult moving in my 40's would be. I very much took for granted how "connected" I was, living in the place where I had grown up. I knew who my friends were, I knew where I worked, I had family everywhere around us, and I had meaningful volunteer work that left me engaged and grateful. Being plunked down here right as summer break began was hard. Summer was super fun, but wrought with stress as Nate was going through an awful period at work. He was traveling MORE instead of the less we had believed as a colleague quit the week we moved here.

When the kids went off to school I felt lost. We were 2000 miles from home and my youngest went off to full day school. As he was only 6 and could not be left alone yet, I decided to wait a year before starting to look for work teaching. In that time I struggled with finding meaning in my life outside of just being a Mom. I struggled to keep the house together when my husband was mostly absent for our first year in a new place ~ not the actual work of keeping things clean, more the emotional labor of trying to be everything to everyone. When tragedy happened at home, I felt helpless and far away and ineffective. I worried that I was ruining my kids chance to have intimate relationships with their cousins and grandparents. I knew that I couldn't keep up the pace of making fiends, engaging the kids in their new community, and feeling like a solo transplant to our new place. I kept putting my own health on the back burner to try to keep all of the balls in the air. After seeing how well that was NOT working at our one year anniversary here, I made changes.

I'm 42 years old. Taking an honest look at my life and my habits spurred me to make some big changes this past May. Im acutely aware of how short life is, but instead of looking at all of my time as a blessing, it felt more like a trap. My own indecision could paralyze me. I was running from my feelings and fears rather than dealing with them straight on. I was constantly beating myself up because I knew deep down I wasn't living my best life. The beauty of being an adult is that we have the ability to choose what we want, a lot of the time. I started to look back at our life ~ I realized that since we got married there has been some sort of big thing "coming". We had a baby a year after we got married, then another one a year later. A third just two years later! We moved when Luke was 10 months and I was 7 months pregnant. Then the incredible difficulty of grad school while working and traveling and having three kids under 5. Then a broken hip. Then a child who almost died. Then a move to Virginia and buying a home there. Then NOPE, its Colorado! Rethink everything. Sell. Buy. Pack. Move.

For the first time in our life together, this year has no large crisis on the horizon. It hit me that the constant stress of those years had truly taken its toll on me. I was on medication for anxiety and wasn't taking good care of my mental health. Since May I have decided to cut out all that is unhealthy for me. Not just alcohol, but pressure, stress, striving as well. I've learned that my anxiety manifests as this desire to micromanage everything. For years my ability to multitask is what kept things running smoothly around here, and when I was suddenly faced with large swaths of time with no kids home during the day I felt useless. Unmoored. I felt like I had so many different options that I was paralyzed. I wasn't doing anything well because I was not focused, my head was turning in every direction.

Since cleaning up my lifestyle I've been able to make decisions with a clear head. I've been able to 100% ditch any sort of medication at all. I no longer feel anxious. When I DO feel anxiety creeping up I know what to do with it. First, I wait. It usually passes. Second, I try to identify whats making me feel that way. Third: I do what I can do in the moment, then I remember that whatever it is is small. Its temporary. It will pass. In the past, I would procrastinate and let the tasks build up in my mind until they almost became too big. I would let small decisions start to feel like big ones because I would put them off out of fear or because it all felt like too much. Looking back, I can't think of a single circumstance in my life where something important didn't get done. Realizing that things ALWAYS WORK OUT, its just a matter of HOW they work out was important to me. When I relax and trust the process they work out without stress or upset. When I allow my mind to go into that negative feedback loop, everything in my life feels harder.

I went to a yoga class with a new teacher a few weeks ago that made me cry. She was teaching on yoga goddesses and provided this amazing class rife with mythology and meaning. Even the music was PERFECT. I had tears in my eyes during shavasana as I realized it was the first time I had been actually "taught" something in yoga since moving here. I was missing having a mentor and teacher more than I knew. I still keep in close touch with my mentor, but it isn't the same as taking her class several times a week! I miss being a student of yoga. I miss having a mentor. CorePower is truly awesome, but the classes dont inspire beyond a good workout. I don't know what I need to do, or how to do it, but I'm inviting a teacher into my life. I'm putting myself out there and actively seeking out a way to learn and grow in my yoga practice. After 23 years of Yoga, I know how to grow my personal practice. Without a mentor, I'm not sure how to best grow as a teacher.

I've decided to make more of my time. I realized that for a "stay at home mom", I'm never home. I committed to making Monday an "at home" day. I work on projects around the home and get everything perfect round here to start the week. I'm currently on a chalk paint furniture tear. I've set aside a full hour for meditation several days a week. I write gratitude lists, daily. When everyone is healthy and you know you can pay the bills and you love where you live, WHY should there be any stress at all? A class I took recently talked about how this world is so loud and overwhelming. It constantly tells us to do "more more more". I've been listening to podcasts and reading more about seeking quiet in this chaotic world. We are told that life has to be "BIG" to be worthwhile. That we are what we earn. That our accomplishment are the sum of our whole. I'm rejecting that. I'm enjoying making my life intentionally small. I don't HAVE to justify or prove my worth or my life meaning. I'm coming to feel, really feel in my soul, that this whole gig is just about the connections we make and the people we touch along the way. Could it be "enough" just to be a great Mom? Could it be "enough" just to love my family and love my friends and love my community? I think it could be not just enough, but so much more than I deserve.

In other news, I signed up for the Eugene marathon. I've hardly been running at all, usually one long (7-10) mile run/week with my girlfriends. One talked me into signing up for Eugene, so I have a girls trip coming up in April! The things one will do to get a girls weekend.............