Sunday. Birds!!!

 Luke and Auggie caught in a spontaneous moment at an off leash park.

 Friday morning at the trailhead. Auggie was positively tortured as she watched others happily start on the trail and she had to sit in the car as we were waiting on friends. She forgave me after 3 hours and 1000 feet of elevation gain. In fact, she forgot all about it.

Do you ever have those moments where you see a glimpse of the adult your child will become? I felt this way about this photo of Jake. He's only seven, but that man is already there in some ways. Getting to actively witness and have a hand in the amazing process that is childhood ~ these creatures who turn from a double line on a pregnancy test, to that flickering heartbeat, to the insanity of childbirth, to a living needy helpless creature...and eventually an independent and contributing member of society? It's a treat.

Okay! I'm up early, sleepover children are scattered around the house, and I have all of the interior lights off and the outside lights on to watch the show that a gorgeous pounding snowstorm is bringing us. I'm SO excited to get some real snow, we need it so badly. It was another oddly warm week with temps that hit 70 two days and not far off for the others. I hit a wall Monday night ~ tired, tired and then a little tired.  I did nothing physical on Monday or Tuesday to rest and reset while I tended to putting the house back together after vacation. Wednesday I hit the trails with my friends to log 6 miles, and another 8 on Saturday. I need to add more short runs in. I'm officially starting my "schedule" this week, on week 4. Yesterday was 100 days till the marathon, but gulp. I haven't done much. I'm going to loosely stick to Hidgeon's Novice 1 schedule and see what happens from there. I was happy to get in 8 smooth miles, my first run where I really had that "okay I could run forever" feeling. My average pace was just over 9:50 and my elevation gain was 743 feet, running at an elevation of 6100-6500 feet. After my run I headed in to teach gentle yoga, which was the perfect compliment to the long run day. Knowing that today was gong to be snowy made it easy to motivate.

I haven't attended a yoga class in about two weeks. With increased teaching and a marathon to consider, things change. I'm doing more fit zone workouts as I'm already there teaching so often. I feel weird leaving a gym to drive a full 20 minutes to class. It just makes fitness take up too much time. I'm thinking of leaving Corepower after over a year there...........This week I'm going to check out the new YogaPod near me and see if that might offer a good alternative and a nice change of pace. The classes at CPY are really great, but I was going so often for so long that a change of scene might be a welcome change. My plan was to go to 8 am hot yoga, but with the pounding snow I'm guessing everything will be cancelled.

On Friday I had a fantastic hike with friends and their dogs out near Morrison, CO. If you've heard of Red Rocks, you have heard of Morrison. With fantastic views of Mt Evans, Red Rocks, and 1200 feet of elevation gain, it was a fast and furious and tough 3 hour hike on a gorgeous day.

This week I felt tired. The house felt annoying. The kids felt like endless black holes of need (can I tell you that three growing kids always need something. Always.). I felt like I don't give the house the same care that I used to....I felt like I don't cook as much or as well or as consciously as I used to..and and and. I was getting into this little cycle of negativity and I could feel it happening. THAT made me feel anxious ~ I'm not negative anymore! I'm not anxious anymore! And it hit me, I was tired. I hadn't been sleeping enough. I hadn't been eating enough. I had been running around too much. And naturally, I was tired. I know myself pretty well, and I felt so lucky to be able to simply take some time and rest. Its silly that as a woman who barely works, I have to actively work hard to rest. I started to think more about that, especially in light of an upcoming workshop I'm teaching about being gentle to yourself in times of stress.

In thinking more about what was actually wearing me out or triggering anxiety, it was my own self created list of "I should". I "should" make bigger, better dinners like I used to. I "should" be rushing off to finish decorating the house. I 'should" be more, more, more. It hit me with complete clarity that all of my "should's" are nothing but unexamined internal mandates.

You see, for a year I felt lost. I didn't realize that I was constantly looking for something that I wasn't going to find. It pertained to fashion, to food, to exercise, to our social life. I realized this week that I came from a place of habits and rules. The East Coast is very different than out here. There are way more established "rules" back east. You wear this to that. You do this with them. You know what the rest of your life will mostly look like, because it will be largely the same as the generations before you. You'll wear this, then that, then you grow old this way and do this and wear that with them. Now, of course this is not the experience of millions of people on the East Coast, so I'm generalizing my experience onto others. Out here, I realized my brain was looking for those "rules", those social guidelines that I had grown up with. I felt a need to continue making the same foods that I used to make, and when I couldn't find the ingredients I needed, I gave up rather than adapt. My house feels foreign to me in some ways, and rather than just let it feel foreign, I wanted to make it like my east coast house. Its different. Those codes around dress? They literally do not exist here. Those foods that I used to love? I can still make them it just takes a little more work, and I can learn to make new favorites with the new ingredients at hand.

I didn't give culture enough credit. When I considered the opportunity of making a new life out West, I didn't understand that innately I would be looking to create the same different life. In other words, new faces and new places but pretty much the same life. Whether it is location or just a phase of life, this year has taught me that in moving you actually have a much larger and more important opportunity. I've been given the chance to not just make a new life, but to make it in a new way. I don't have to fall back into focusing so much on my home or even my cooking if those things don't bring me joy. The thing is ~ I'm so rarely inside out here. At home you were in most afternoons this time of year because it was cold and wet and damp. Cooking WAS something I absolutely loved because it made our home cozy and warm and inviting. Here? Given the choice between being inside cooking at 4 on a 60 degree sunny day and being out hiking or interacting with friends? I'm outside. The freedom of being able to wear pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want was paralyzing. I kept shopping at the same stores and feeling incredibly dissatisfied. It was so amazing the moment that it hit me that I CAN WEAR WHATEVER I WANT. I CAN COOK WHATEVER I WANT. It's intoxicating once you actually grasp that. I've learned that I enjoy way more alone time than I ever did before ~ hell for 12 years I didn't really have any alone time. Now I protect it and carve it out. In realizing that I can wear whatever I want, I'm free to not waste on money on clothing that I feel like I 'should' own. This is a season of family get togethers, not fancy dates out downtown. This is a season of healthy but very simple cooking, as we have some practice or another each night. And you know what? Its all good. Its all so good.

Today I have a strong feeling that I'm not going anywhere. The snow continues to fall, and everyone continues to sleep. I prepared yesterday and plan to make soup and pork loins and a huge instant pot Mac and cheese. The kids will be in and out all day, I'm hoping to take a snowy hike, and we won't have to get in the car once. The Eagles play at 4:30 and we will be waiting with baited breath. Since Wentz went down I haven't had a ton of hope, but hell, its the postseason and who knows. Hoping for a big win today propelling us into the Super Bowl. Go Eagles!