Dipping my toes back in. Tomorrow.

Thanks for the kind words, all.

Pick me ups really DO do wonders, and it is nice to have a (very small little tiny) place to say THROW ME A ROPE when one needs it. I need it, right now, and although it is nice to admit it, it doesn't really fix it. Thats the hard part I suppose.

There are lots of strategies I have employed in the past in dealing with slumps like this. None of them are really all that attractive at the moment, for various reasons. I'm just not in the mood for any of them, for the first time in my life. So, I'm trying a new one.

I'm taking a fearless and honest closet inventory. It sounds SO much easier than taking a fearless and honest moral inventory, but its a lot more physical and almost as time consuming. It still does involve some tears, some saying goodbyes to old friends, and some admissions about habits that simply are NOT good for you (aka the UGGS which are just too dirty, the jeans that are just a smidge TOO low rise, the pants that I am hanging onto because they remind me of my professional days and are/were very expensive however have not been worn in 5.5 YEARS....etc). It also is humbling realizing just how bad my taste is, and how many awful things are in my closet. I will say, in my defense, that I am still wading out of the miserable clothing miasma of 5 straight years of pregnancy/nursing/pregnancy/nursing etc. Shrinking and growing in triplicate over the course of 5 years is a real clothes fuck.

Anyway, this is where I am turning my mental angst, at the moment. My closet. I'm closeting my weirdness and sadness, quite literally. And hopefully a lovely wardrobe which only has things that actually FIT and are somewhat marginally even close to in style end up being in it. I suck at the whole style thing (suck hard at it!).......but rather than mope around in bed like I want to do, I'm doing something that makes me feel good at the end of the day. So, there's that. I'm also really loving buying consignment, and my new fall line of pants is going to end up being second hand this year. Second hand rocks, I'm getting to try lots of new looks at a fraction of the cost. I also recently engineered a purse swap with a dear friend ~ so I have a brand new to me kate spade in exchange for mine ~ Its BRILLIANT with both of us sporting new looks and we can trade back whenever we want. I'm loving the idea of community purses.

I'm also getting on the workout train tomorrow, two weeks post surgery. I'm cleared to do anything which ONLY involves my lower body. So, tomorrow me, my John Irving novel, two sports bras, and the stairs have a date. I have a very generous Lululemon GC that I have been carefully hoarding since my birthday in June. Anyway, I keep reminding myself that my mind is my biggest enemy. That my life is beautiful. That my relationships are meaningful. That my children are sunshiny and easy and healthy. That nothing is actually wrong.

Sometimes I just wish I could gather all my peeps and put us into my soon to be perfectly clean closet and keep us safe. Keep us whole. Keep us free of the clutter of life. And I know that in reality that would be a TERRIBLE way to live. It would be no way at all to live. But the world can be so hard, guys, and I look at these little people of mine and the thought of them ever feeling sad like I feel sometimes takes my breath away. Its scarier than the worst pair of snakeskinish yellow Dansko shoes I am admitting that I own (ed). And you know what? Admitting that I bought them in the past few years of TERRIBLE confusion about just what the fuck SAHM's are supposed to wear on their feet during the day was harder than admitting that sometimes I get sad.

So now I'm laughing. So, thanks, y'all.