Plan B

 You don't know the joy of school photos until you are a parent. They indelibly mark the passing of time in such a tangible way. It's melancholy, replacing last years photo with this years ~ seeing the baby leave your child's face and the boy or girl emerge. It's also, of course, joyful, knowing that they have enjoyed another year of good health, of growth, of learning, of life experience. Whatever it is, it is a marker. This was them then, here they are now. Here he is, the October of his Kindergarden year. Time only moves in one direction, as obvious as it is. I still wonder if that was part of this years melancholy, turning 40.

I loved my 30's. I always said age wouldn't bother me. I still don't *think* that it does. But does it? Did turning that page in the decade book bother me more than I realized? Did that trigger some of my sads? I love where I am in my life. I love helping others, through yoga and volunteering. I love helping my kids, daily. I love helping my husband, my friends, my family. I love continually being a student, whether it's of  yoga or of golf or of pottery or of whatever new passion strikes my fancy. But, 40! I still remember GETTING my school photo taken ~ How is it I keep replacing these school photos, over and over again, so frequently? I think its just the realization of how quickly time is passing ~ it's sobering some times.

Do I feel as though I am living my life to the fullest? Do I get to spend my time with my best friends, my husband who I love, my kids who I adore? Yes. Do I get to make a difference in others lives? Yes. I have also had a few very dear friends who had have devastating diagnoses this year. I feel things too deeply, sometimes, and I think that, in the midst of all of the uncertainty of my life, I let my mind go too far into the "what if" place. What if that happened to me. What if that happens to my husband. What if. What if my friends aren't ok? What if I lose my Mom. What if the worst thing happens?  And I think that there is something in the human brain that shields those of us in healthy places against those thoughts. We aren't meant to dwell in those places, as our psyches aren't really capable of dealing with the actual ramifications of all of the realities of all of the "what if's" ~ in other words,  you can't walk around all day with the though of your own mortality lingering in your mind and have a healthy mindset. You can't. Something in the brain of a healthy person shields them against that. My brain stopped working in a healthy way. Enter, depression, stage left.

Enough about that. Because what IS healthy is PIE! And the pie is ready for Thursday. Today was a rat race with a piano lesson, a workout, a K thanksgiving feast, food shopping, 2 parent teacher conferences, and a Dr's appointment as Luke has the sick. Luckily it doesn't seem to be Strep (which is running rampant), and then baking with my Mom and Daughter. Thank you, crockpot for some delicious pulled chicken. 

Tomorrow its a workout, and then throwing some clothing together to head off to Grandmas house. Both my parents and Nate's parents moved out of the homes that we moved into as 8 year olds……and we are having thanksgiving at his parents new home for the first time this year. 

I have a lot to be grateful for this year. Healthy kids, a healthy husband, and, at the moment, a healthy mind and body. Forgive me if I seem to be mucking through my own summer and early fall, it's my way of trying to make sense of it, I think. It's also my way of talking about something that I don't know is totally comfortable for a lot of people to talk about. I know I did NOT like to talk about in the present, so to talk about in the past is a way of observing what I was feeling in a safe way. 

I hope you don't mind. 

Happy Thanksgiving. May you be surrounded with loved ones ~ OR, if those folks drive you crazy, may you be surrounded by quiet, or at least some really good pie. Or quinoa. Or whatever it is that makes you happy, maybe your cozy bed and a good book.