Quiet
I took a nice hike yesterday morning. This whole "listening to TED talks while I hike thing" is brand new, and I've listened to exactly 4 thus far. Normally what I'm enjoying is the quiet. But, sometimes when I'm off on a two or three hour hike, it is nice to hear someone else's voice for a bit of that time. Yesterday I listened to the talk labeled "Quiet, ways to find quiet in our busy lives. How can we step back and make time to reflect in an increasingly distracted and hurried world?" They basically mish mash together several TED talks to give you a few different perspectives during the hour podcast. One was from a man who willingly didn't speak for 17 years. One was from a man who, after spending days in various museums, realized how something all of the paintings seemed to have in common was clouds. He decided that there must be something to this, something universal about our love of clouds, and started paying attention to them. He said that he came to realize that clouds are almost always all around us, but we tend to only notice them when they annoy us, i.e. when they come between us and the sun. In *noticing* them on purpose, he was reminded of their quiet beauty, their near omnipresence, ~ and he formed the "cloud appreciation society". He said (and I'm paraphrasing from memory here, so forgive me if I've gotten it slightly wrong), that the act of cloud gazing is "a way of legitimatizing doing nothing". I loved that phrase. It has been bouncing around inside my head for the past 24 hours. Of course when someone is in your ear talking about the simple act of finding beauty in the sky the first thing that you do is look up at the sky! Between enjoying the beauty of the clouds and the lovely message of simply slow down, appreciate what is around you, enjoy the quiet, it made for a lovely hike/run.
With all three kids off to school this year my life has certainly changed from lots of noise to lots of quiet. Given my personality my natural tendency is to fill it up immediately, and I think (well, no, I KNOW) that believing that we were not going to be here this fall kept me protected in a strange way. I didn't really sign up for anything. I've found the beauty of being able to be still. I didn't take on new teaching opportunities. I didn't join the paddle tennis team. I didn't sign on for more than one day at the food cupboard. I didn't be a homeroom parent. What this has meant was that when I was still in the grips of a paralyzing type of anxiety and depression. I was able to simply spend entire days on the couch reading a book. Dinners got made. The kids got off to school with a hug and a kiss, but I could stop faking it for the 7 hours in between. For me, anyway, when I am down, it's the faking it that is so utterly exhausting. Pretending to be okay. Pretending to care about small talk. This summer at the pool we would get to practice early each day and I would immediately head to the cabana furthest away from everyone else and set up shop. I hid behind huge books. I was actively anti social because the act of being social felt nearly impossible. People, because they are KIND, ask a million questions, and when you feel like you don't know the answer to any of those questions, their simple kindness can feel almost like a physical assault. I was sick of crying in front of people, so I hid. I think that anyone who has been depressed before can probably relate. I used my book as a shield to "legitimize doing nothing".
When you find the right medication and you feel life returning to your body and soul, it is amazing. Suddenly I'm making photo books that I have been putting off for 4 months. The thousand little tiny mundane tasks that being a Mom of three school aged kids means (the PTO check for this one, the holiday gifts, the birthday party gifts, the 3 Angel tree gifts, the endless permission slips, the nightly homework, the parent teacher conferences, the million tests to sign and return, the daily grind of packing three lunches etc etc) suddenly all seems doable without being backbreaking. I am tentatively and pleasantly surprised by my ability to accomplish a lot, again. It's been a while. This week would have made me cry, 2 months ago. Three classes on Sunday, one on Monday, piano lesson, a Thanksgiving Feast followed by two parent teacher conferences and then pie making with my Mom and Daughter on Tuesday, packing everyone up and leaving for the inlaws on Wed, Thanksgiving, coming home Friday for Bball, Teaching Sat AM, and then teaching again 3 times on Sunday AM. Fitting in some exercise and personal practice and self care around all that too? I wouldn't have made it. Not depressed Melissa? I think I can tackle it. The thing is, when you are depressed you forget what "normal" you feels like. So I'm constantly asking myself, is this really the "normal" me? Have I gone too far in the other direction? This IS me, right? This is how I used to feel, normally? And then I just try to be quiet. Maybe I will do some cloud gazing to "legitimize doing nothing". To trust my Dr. To trust my therapist. To trust Nate (and believe me, most people around me had NO IDEA, NONE, that I was feeling this way, lest you picture me walking around with a nappy head and 5 day old PJ's…..for the most part I carried on to outsiders looking and acting….well, almost the same). That is how you get when you've been depressed before. You get damn good at hiding it, which of course makes it all worse because then you really, really feel alone in what you are going through.
Have you ever been depressed?
I have just come out of what I now realize was my first real anxiety fueled depression. It started this summer, but I didn't realize it. I came up with every other excuse out there for why I was feeling this way. None of them were true. They may have been factors, but not the reason. Now with the right medicine (I think - only on week 3 or so), I seem to be back to my old self. My weekends are filled with time to do the things that are important (or just mundane because the house doesn't clean itself). I am up at 5:30 am three days a week to work out in addition to my yoga practice. I am back to being a mom that can roll with the punches and a wife that sees the special things her husband does. I am relieved. I am also scared, but that's another topic. :)
ReplyDeleteLike you, I found that I still need that time to just do nothing. On the days I am not up at 5:30 am working out, I am up reading or playing a game. This morning, I thought about getting up and working on my unfinished sewing project (ahh the passion to finish projects is back!), but I made myself stay in bed and just do nothing. It was glorious.
Oh friend I so hear you. I was the exact same way in the beginning. At first I convinced myself I had a lump in my breast (I didn't, I think that my heart was racing a lot from anxiety and I was feeling it as pain……but it took a mammogram and ultrasound to convince me….then I was convinced that maybe it was a thyroid issue as all I really wanted to do was sleep……it wasn't, my bloodwork was fine……) but I am SO GLAD to hear that you, too, have found a medication that is helping you. Isn't it amazing how far they have come with meds, it used to be standard to have to wait at least 6 weeks to notice changes from most meds, for us to notice changes in 2-3 weeks is amazing. I think that the fear portion is so normal………if feeling bad can come on so insidiously than is feeling good also so tenuous? Is the medication to be trusted? At least, those are thoughts that creep up on me that I quickly try to squash. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through a rough patch but I'm really glad to hear that you have found something that works for you. It's reassuring to me to hear how similar our experiences are ~ YES, to how it impacted how you feel about your ability to Mother, Wife, and even practice yoga or simply enact or finish projects. And I'm happy to hear that you are protecting yourself by honoring your "quiet". Sending you love from across the miles and also courage to not feel afraid, at least, as much as possible. I think that we both will have a special take on the whole gratitude aspect in this season of thanksgiving. Thanks for your comment, I can relate so much. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with depression much of my life. Hospitalized in a locked ward for a week my senior year in high school...when I look back on the hospital stay, I still very tangibly feel RELIEF. For that week, I didn't have to hide my crazy, nobody was going to even blink at anything I revealed from the depths of my mind or family history, I learned to play chess and did lots of puzzles and the biggest decision I had to make was filling in the bubbles on a farm to pick my next meal. I met some lovely people, we sort of kept up for a while after but it was awkward more for others than for us. Plus there was the fact that I was 17 and they were...well, my age now probably. And of course no social media or texting or anything as a means.
ReplyDeleteI was on and off meds from then until starting to try & get pregnant. Haven't gone back on them since then, though there have been times when I probably could have benefited. I had a massage last year when my husband was traveling for longer stretches, and the therapist (who is not really of this world) out of nowhere asked, "do you experience anxiety at all?" and BOOM, light bulb moment.
It can be so hard when you are in the depths, or stuck on the carousel, to see and name what is happening. When I can do that, see and say, "I am experiencing anxiety right now," that helps me a bit...because I know on some level if I can name the anxiety as separate from ME, then it is NOT ME. Sometimes it's just "yep, I'm in the depths right now. maybe I should tell someone."
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and clouds - omg this past year I have become enchanted with them.
Wow Jenn I had no idea! Yeah, I know what you mean about keeping in touch about leaving in patient, it gets awkward quickly as you all go your own ways. :) It's funny but being pregnant was (FAR and away) my most emotionally stable time. I was so happy and mentally quiet. Not anxious. Never did any prenatal testing. Just felt calm. I stayed off of meds the entire time I was nursing/pregnant even though I tried them as I did go through some horrible PPA after Jules birth, it passed quickly, thankfully.
ReplyDeleteYes, I aggre with you 100% that when you are in it it is hard to name it. I'm glad to hear that there is another cloud lover out there. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm glad to hear another person can relate. xoxo