Into the light

Last Friday, the attacks in Paris, horrified me. I was getting ready to go out with my girlfriends, and instead of getting dressed and being excited to try a new restaurant (Cornerstone) I found myself riveted to my TV. I have been to Paris many times ~ hell, it's where Nate and I fell in love, after meeting 10 years before that. I celebrated Thanksgiving there with my family one time. I flew there (terrified) a month after 9/11. Paris is a city that I love, one I have promised to take my daughter to for her 16th birthday, and I couldn't believe that horror that I was watching unfold on the television.

Turns out, a different horror was yet to come in the week after. As a survivor of a fundamental Christian School, I have many evangelical christian friends in my network of FB friends. I also have a lot of SAHM with children. I also have a lot of, well, just republican friends. The backlash, the hatred, the vitriol that I saw from (granted, not a ton, but a few) against muslims, against refugees, sent me reeling. The posts like "I lock my door at night not because I hate the people outside, but because I love the people inside"……..what do you say? How do you feel? I've learned that it's generally better to say nothing. Nothing good comes. One thing that I have started to do when I see posts from generally non-philanthropic people who *ALL OF A SUDDEN* have a huge heart for our homeless or our veterans is to invite them to come volunteer at the Food Cupboard or donate to the Wounded Warriors tournament we host. It's amazing how many people *suddenly* are so concerned about our homeless and our vets! Truly! I'd like to not be jaded and cynical, but of course, I am. And Trump? "good management" of Muslims? It all sounds very familiar? Perhaps because I just devoured 3000 pages of the Follet series, going through all of WWI-WWII, but…..it's hauntingly like Hitler. I cannot believe that this man is an actual legitimate Presidential candidate. How any woman can support someone who is so against women's rights, so against supporting a refugee base which is 75% women and children, absolutely boggles my mind. He is a sick person. My Dad knows him well as they are in the same business and the stories he has told me raise goosebumps. I want these refugees to come here. I will happily host a family. I will happily adopt a baby. I can't understand the mentality which says to keep these poor people out. I understand that it about fear. As I hiked yesterday I listened to two different podcasts. One was a TED talk entitled "Just A Little Nicer", which focused on compassion. The other was "The Act of Listening" which talked about listening being an act of generosity.

The Act Of Listening talk really made me think. To me, the idea of admitting these refugees is an absolute no brainer. But the talk convicted me ~ to put myself in the shoes of the people so adamant about not letting them in. What are they afraid of? I'm not threatened by economic insecurity. Perhaps they are truly afraid of these people taking their jobs? Okay. I see how that could be scary. Perhaps they truly lack the education to realize how terrorists work. Okay. I want to blame them for that, but okay. I understand that fear is a powerful motivator. And then the kindness talk convicted me, it isn't my job to educate them, it isn't my job to convince them. It IS my job to speak my truth with kindness. It IS my job to be honest about my stance with kindness. It IS my job to call my state Government and to sign petitions, and to send money and baby carriers and to do what I can to help these people directly. Squabbling on FB or other social media is not my job.

So yesterday, with my heart simply sick, I took to the hills after yoga with my mentor. I have a new favorite hiking place, the Okehocking Nature Preserve. It's a huge area, open to off leash dogs, horse back riders, and people like me, longing to get away. The top photo is me, hiking there yesterday. The bottom photo is one from our porch in Cape May, the first night we got there, light after a wicked storm. I'm not religious, but there is something about light after a storm that always tugs at my heart. I do a weird combination of hiking and running. I got in a 10 miler on Tuesday morning, and about 5 miles yesterday, after a 5 mile actual run in the morning. The crazy thing about it is how HILLY It is, on Tuesday because of the hills my fitbit tracked 214 floors! Yesterday, 127. Speaking of floors, two things that I gave up over the summer were the stairclimber, and running. A shocking result? Open hips. My tight, broken hip has suddenly released, and I'm completely shocked. I can do things in yoga that I haven't done since….childhood? I have some fun new poses ready for my Power Flow class tomorrow morning, and have adapted them for my crossfit class that follows it.

We spent last night at my daughters Bball practice. Right now life feels all about practices. We have wrestling Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (Saturday will soon be meet days, but for now as it just started, it is practice ~ both boys are wrestling). Jules has Bball Friday nights, and games will be Saturday and Sunday. I had Jake's parent teacher conference on Tuesday and walked away in tears. The biggest takeaway? Somehow we have raised an empathetic child. At 5, he is one of only two kids who wasn't redshirted in his K class. Yet, he is a leader. As a Mom, hearing these things is a gift. My greatest hope for my children is that they have emotional intelligence. Kindness. Leadership. Empathy. The bigs brought home their report cards yesterday and they were great. On Thursday night we got great news. The move? We are going to the place we wanted, NOT DC. I can't yet say where it is as AWS hasn't yet announced it, but I can give you a hint, and it's not on the East Coast. I think that the state will officially "open" in January (This is all about complicated tax stuff), and then it's all about some time frame about getting our family out there. I am just over the moon. Our time in Wyoming showed me that our family just isn't meant to be East Coasters any more. We are outdoorsy people. The idea of going to DC was weighing heavy on my heart. Beyond the cost of living (housing was ridiculous) the traffic, the transient nature of the people living there, the competitiveness….all of it, simply wasn't what I wanted in my soul. Could I and did I talk myself into it? Sure. But was I longing to go there? No way. Instead ~ with this new destination, I am thrilled. Lots of details have to be worked out, and I'm dreading making the house "perfect" again and dancing through all of those hoops again, but knowing where we are going? This time my heart is in it 100%.

It will take another post to talk about how things work out just right. How when everything seems to be working against you it is working against you for a reason. In the midst of that, it is all pain. You can't see the reasoning for it. You can't understand it. You feel like every door is closing and you are trying with all your might to open them, to MAKE things happen, and you feel thwarted on every front. Pure frustration. And when people tell you "everything happens for a reason", when you are very Type A like me, you want to *maybe just a little* pinch them or even slap them in the face, while you smile and say, "yes, yes that is so true". And then? Then you look back and say ~ "Holy shit. It is so fucking true". And then you feel like you owe 100 people apologies for wanting to pinch them because you couldn't see it at the time but yes, the world was all working in your favor, you just couldn't see the beauty of the design of it all when you were in the middle of the muck. The lotus flower is blossoming, pure, free of any of the mud that it had to grow up and through, and I am overflowing with gratitude.

It is an absolutely beautiful morning. I woke up sandwiched between my husband and this handsome guy after a night of celebrating with s'mores around the fire.

I'm off to the food cupboard for the entire day as we have to intake thousands of pounds of food. Today is one of the boy scouts biggest food drives of the year on behalf of the WCFC, and we will be scurrying around trying to unload, sort, date, and store all that we get. The kids and I are about to launch our own food drive, in our neighborhood and reaching out to friends, for the first time. I admit I'm nervous about it as I've never done this before, and our main goal is to raise money, more than canned goods, as that it what we most need. Non Perishibles are great, but money means that we can buy what we need ~ milk, eggs, cheese, personal care items etc…. and buy them in bulk from the stores that we get discounts at. Our goal is to raise $5000 by Christmas.

It's saturday! I hope that everyones weekends are off to a great start. As the sun shines in on our homework room I know mine is. Cheers!