Stop the effing BUS.

So it was a late night due to aforementioned addiction to Breaking Bad and Nate and I wanting to hang out before his boys weekend. Very late night.

I woke up late as we are in some sort of misery belt of rain and darkness, but got everyone off in a timely manner. I thought that there was yoga at the studio at 9:30, but luckily checked and realized that it was at 10:30. Having dropped Jake off at 9, this left me with a gap. Being dressed to workout, and having absolutely no interest in going home and doing things like cleaning, I immediately thought of pedicures or shopping. Nyet at 9 am to both as nothing is open. I begrudgingly went to the gym where I did a 45 minute cardio workout on the stairs while reading scintillating details of the Kardashians life and other minutia as my damned kindle was out of power. Very discouraging all around.

I drove to the studio which is all of 5 minutes from the gym. I walked in to Sue's class (the person who I plan to ask to be my mentor). She greeted me with a raised eyebrow saying "oh HellOW, have you Been ILL?" with that accent that just infers, hey yoga school ASSHOLE. Hmmmm. I stuttered some shit about being away and Nate being out of town (all of which is true, coupled with Jules and Jake and those two straight weeks of Thursday Friday holiday)......and then saw my friend who I will call J. J is the person who I bonded with the most the first weekend of school. She is stunningly lovely, was born in India, moved here at 15, has two boys (in full day school), and is simply one of those people who is quietly very attractive. (beyond physically ~ I wanted to know more about her from the minute I met her). Anyway. I was having Sue sign my sheet (we have to attend 30 classes.....I probably went to 20 classes in the three weeks before our class...and have been to TWO since then).....anyway. J had like 10 classes on her sheet. I had two. And J had clearly asked Sue to be her mentor, which shocked me as J is this totally serene mild mannered tranquil woman and Sue is this fierce warrior type.....so I was all rocked akilter. Anyway. Then J taught the first 15 minutes of our class! It was awkward and she did wonderful for where we all are.......but I was laying there trying to *relax* and *breathe* and my mind was fucking racing and I'm thinking back through my past two weeks thinking WHERE have I been and WHY haven't I been at the STUDIO and OHHOLYSHIT I am a yoga teachertraining FAILURE. I know exactly where I've been. I've been golfing, or I've had Jake or Nate has been out of town at night and I've been doing yoga at ACAC.

Anyway. My brain was positively BLOWING UP as I lay on my mat. Set an intention? Yeah. I was like, my intention is to quit this stupid thing because what was I thinking I am the suckiest yoga person evAH, and I love to watch this damn TV show all of a sudden and hang out with my girlfriends and OOPS! on Monday I went for an awesome run instead of to yoga for my special little signature and last Friday instead of being here I was at a golf lesson then packing to go away and CLEARLY I will never be a yogi and Sue is mad at me and I am a TERRIBLE person. The whole class hates me and I should leave. My mind was literally growing larger with these insane thoughts. I could feel my crazy shoulders pulled up to my EARS with tension. Instead of relaxing I was listening to everything J said, noticing everything she said wrong, and telling myself how I was going to say everything wrong and why on earth was I doing this when I am completely comfortable within my little world. (please note, I wasn't criticising J, I was criticising me........the new nervous, inept me yoga teacher me).

Then. Then Sue started teaching. She leads a demanding class ~ moving us from posture to posture with nary a break in a flow that is new to me and one which I LOVE. I was in crescent warrior and suddenly I felt my eyes fill with tears ~ I felt relief mixed with remorse mixed with ANGER so palpable that I almost didn't know what to do with it. I just kept moving.

I was stressed out and blaming myself and calling myself names about YOGA. How stupid is that? I mean, at the end of the day I'm not seeking a cure for childhood cancer, and I'm not punching a clock to feed my family. So you know what? I think that its bullshit that Sue tried to make me feel shame (because~ I'm very clear, that's what it was. It was NOT an actual worry about my health, it was a guilt trip.) I'm a 38 year old woman with three young children and a husband who is frequently away. I went away last weekend with my girlfriends. I'm playing golf now because soon I won't be able to. On Tuesdays and Thursdays my youngest is not in school. I'm PAYING the studio to train me. And yes, of course I want to get good at it. And yes, of course I want to get my moneys worth. But NO, I will not feel anxiety or shame for having two weeks in which I only got to the studio once a week after spending 16 hours there one weekend.

Jeez. I will not get into a competition to be "yoga winner". If that is what is going to happen there I will graciously bow out from the get go. That is not the "spirit of yoga" as I know it. I'm just going to keep on keeping on.....but man, was it an eye opener to me. I want to do well. I want to take it seriously. But I also know that it very much has its place in my priority list. That list only has a few things that will let me feel guilt, and hopefully none that will make me feel shame. Yoga certainly will not be on the guilt/shame short list.