On 2nd opinions.

So I saw the Specialist today. Gave him my films. My Op Notes. The rundown. The freak story that is my hip saga. He made the appropriate faces of disbelief. He was appalled at the sent home story and wanted that part retold. He Checked.Me.Out. He looked at my xrays. He felt my protruding Frankenscrew.

He heard me say "I'm only 37. I HAVE RACES TO RUN!"

And he looked me dead in the face, and he said

"YOU DON'T HAVE RACES TO RUN. YOU DON'T HAVE A MARATHON IN YOUR FUTURE. YOU SUFFERED A DEVASTATING INJURY 4 MONTHS AGO. A CAREER ENDING INJURY FOR A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. A DEADLY INJURY FOR MANY ELDERLY PATIENTS. A PAINFUL, AND SLOW HEALING, AND STILL DANGEROUS INJURY. YOU ARE NOT YET OUT OF THE WOODS FROM SUFFERING AVN. YOU ARE STILL HEALING. YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER RUNNING FOR AT LEAST A YEAR FOLLOWING THE TYPE OF INJURY YOU SUFFERED. YOU UNDERWENT A MASSIVE, MAJOR AND LIFE CHANGING SURGERY. I UNDERSTAND AND ADMIRE YOUR DRIVE TO RUN OR TO RETURN TO LIFE AS YOU KNEW IT, BUT YOUR LIFE IS AND HAS CHANGED, AND YOU NEED TO ACCEPT IT. YOU WILL LIVE WITH SOME PAIN. THAT MAY BE LONG TERM, THAT MAY NOT BE. YOU MAY NEVER SLEEP ON YOUR RIGHT SIDE OR CROSS YOUR LEG WITHOUT PAIN. YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT. YOUR X RAYS LOOK GREAT ~ YOUR SURGERY WAS DONE WELL. THE FACT THAT YOUR SCREW IS STICKING OUT FURTHER THAN IS IDEAL IS SIMPLY TESTAMENT TO THE DENSITY OF YOUR STRONG BONE AND THE VERY LIMITED BODY FAT IN YOUR HIP. THE SURGEON DID WHAT HE COULD GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. YES YOU CAN FEEL IT. AND YES, PERHAPS IT CAN COME OUT, BUT DON'T CONSIDER IT BEFORE 18 MONTHS POST SURGERY TO GIVE YOUR BONES SUFFICIENT TIME TO TRULY HEAL. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE BACK WHERE YOU WERE 4 SHORT MONTHS AGO. DON'T RISK IT. FIND OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO (BIKE, STAIRS, YOGA, LEAN CONDITIONING, PILATES, SWIM) AND DO IT AS OFTEN AND AS WELL AS YOU CAN. STRETCH AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERY DAY YOU ARE CHASING YOUR KIDS AROUND AND NOT ON CRUTCHES."

It was like a punch in the gut, at first. That first sentence literally felt like a kick in my stomach.

And as he went on, it all was okay. It all was just fine. Because he is right.

I was there to get information. I was there because when I wasn't working out because of my boob job the pain in my hip was getting unbearable. I was laying in bed at night with terrible fears ~ worrying that the surgeon had botched my surgery, that things weren't healing right, that something was, that something HAD to be terribly wrong inside of me, because it was simply impossible that someone as young and healthy as me could hurt this much this long after surgery. And I whipped myself up in to a frenzy of worry (my specialty, of course :)). So today was a gift, though it stung, as the truth often does. No running, for quite some time. Probably no marathon, ever, (though that does not rule out half ironmans!!! HaHA!!!!). But you know what? 3 years ago I HATED running! So who cares, really! I have about eleventy other things on my list of things I have yet to fall in love with that probably might not make me break a hip. So, its time to start new things. And whether that means swimming, or perhaps pursuing that yoga teaching I've been talking about forever, or taking some nutrition classes, or getting into crossfit, or, tennis, or, well, who knows................today the Dr freed me.

I'm not on some timeline. Its not a race back to wellness. I'm not playing some endgame to get back to running. Running is out, right now. My injury was kindov a big deal, and its time that I start treating it as such, and time I start RESPECTING it and being PLEASED with my progress instead of cursing my hip and being frustrated with where I am. I am taking care of my children, I would have sacrificed a puppy to have been able to do that three and a half months ago. I need to remember that, and be so grateful.

Girls, you let me forget! I've been a brat! A worried, spoiled little brat! Here I've been putting in these great cardio workouts and focusing on what I CAN'T do, when I should have been singing with gratitude that I was in gym clothes, sweating and feeling good, damnit!

Anyway. I am now armed, and dangerous. I know that my hip is okay, today. It is healing. It is a more serious injury than I want/ed to believe, and now I am forced to face it, and its almost a relief. Because it isn't me failing to get better, its simply me finally accepting the reality of my situation. And there is always, ALWAYS so much damn peace in acceptance. I'm going to sleep so well tonight, on my left side :).