Change, routine, and obsessive cleaning.

I've used this picture before. I am the type who could use it daily, however.

I had a long weekend. It was back to back school weekends for Nate with travel in between, and then golf on Sunday morning. And while I tried to feel happy for him, I really tried, cleaning up meal # 376 with three young ones and me simply lacked a certain joy. Thats putting it lightly. I was fried by sunday afternoon. I hit up my first spin class on Sunday, and took Monday entirely off. With my big kids in camp this week, I'm trying to use the time to get some orgazational projects done. This is how I work when I feel stressed.......I seek to control my world in ways big or small. In other words, I haven't really figured out the fall schedule, but I cleaned the HELL out of the tupperware drawer. I don't understand how I am going to preserve family dinners AND maintain Luke's flag football schedule, but I threw out or donated about 8 trash bags full of baby gear from one of Jake's closets. And I don't have any idea how this whole surgery thing is going to go down and I'm anxious about it, but my entire basement is now (a lot more) clean and no less than 8 large trash cans have been emptied and two car loads of goods donated to goodwill.

When things feel out of control I try to impose control in little areas. In this case, my home. It helps, but only so much. There is all this looming change on the horizon ~ A kindergardener, a pre k kid, a 2 year old home with me, afternoon school, a changing body, getting better, trying to maintain balance in exercise, trying to deal with this stupid auto immune issue which just wont go away...........and I feel a bit down about it all. And I know that there are way worse endeavors one could undertake than massive throwing away.......but I wish there were more actually effective ones. Because I'm frustrated with how often in life we are forced to simply wait. To accept. To just wait and yield, and trust, and all that jazz. I'm way too action oriented, for my own good, and this waiting stuff just riles me up in the worst way.

I tried to swim away my fears and worried today, and it helped, for that hour. It felt nice to be in the pool outside, and to feel the sun on my back and the buoyant water beneath me. I did not exercise at all yesterday, but did have my first spin class since the break on Sunday, and was happy to find that I really enjoyed it! I think that it will be good for my recovery. I liked my PT Dr a lot, she is very educated and informed and I liked her approach. I see her again on Thursday morning, and hope to get rid of this limp with her help. As the kids get dropped of right at 9:30 and about 15 minutes away, I've missed yoga this week (as that is when it starts) so I'm kind of winging my schedule.

I'm feeling decidedly unzen........I called in a prescription for the big boy anxiety meds, and I'm making do. We have eleventy thousand house projects going on, all of which I am bad at, and I am feeling utterly inadequate. I'm taking on too much, in my zeal to be crutch less, and the ball that is going to drop is going to drop is me.