Friends.

I've been so absent for my friends lately. I am consumed with getting 100% prepared to teach. I'm a perfectionist, and I want to be completely, totally ready to walk into a classroom as an authority on not just practicing yoga (that part is easy), but on TEACHING yoga. And of course, I won't be an authority yet, or perhaps ever….but I want to be capable and deserving of their trust and their time. 

So. what does that sort of desire look like? Yesterday it meant a 75 minute vinyasa class, 2 hours of solo practicing coming up with my practicum and working on timing during Jakes nap, then meeting 1:1 (had to get a sitter again) with Sue at the studio to perfect it/work out kinks from 5-7, then practicing and reading from 8-10 after the kids were in bed. Today I am meeting Jyoti and Sue at 9 at the studio to work on teaching Vinyasa flow, then teaching the 10:30 class, then practicing my practicum all afternoon before heading to CVG with friends for dinner. I think that I've been to 12 classes in 5 days or something? 

Anyway….the fallout is that I'm poorer (I'm hiring babysitters at this point to get done what I need to do as Nate was gone most of the week, returning last night), and I'm way way out of touch with my friends. Its frustrating. I feel guilty. I feel disconnected ~ i see my girlfriends weekly and my best friends and I talk or text almost daily. Yet, I've been consumed. 

So, as I was thinking about friends, and guilt, and doing ones best ~ I was looking through all of the old pictures that I had just moved over to this computer. I was blown away by how many photos I have of Luke and Julia, Julia and Luke. 

My three kids are best friends. Its something that we have really pushed and encouraged since day one, and through a dash of luck and the benefit of them  all being so close in age, it seems to have worked out that way. But what I remembered, when I looked at these photos, was how gut wrenchingly GUILTY I felt when, despite all odds, I found out I was pregnant when Luke was only 4 months old. I was sobbing, feeling like I was denying him of his babyhood, like I was threatening our amazingly easy breast feeding relationship, and like, in short, I was ruining his 4 month old life. Nate laughed at me, of course. And of course, a lot of it was a mix of post partum and new pregnancy hormones (imagine that cocktail? Like drinking crazy juice). Nate said that second kids NEVER get "time alone" with parents and all turn out just fine (if not better, sometimes, spoken from the perspective of a first kid here). So ~ as usual Nate was right. Julia was just bursting to come into this world, and no statistics or odds were going to keep her from getting here. 

So as I looked back at these pictures I got teary. Because we forget things so fast. I preach being present, being aware so often in my classes….and sometimes I'm so present that I feel like the past is so far behind me already! Looking at these photos, I was blessed to be able to remember that these two have quite honestly been friends since birth. They have a beautiful, incredible relationship, and they have played pivotal roles in helping one another develop into the people that they are today at just 7 and almost 6. 

And it hit me that though I feel guilty right now ~ Like I did back then ~ I am thankful to have the best of friends, and I have a beautiful history of friendship to look back on with them, and that they love me all the more for following a dream, and that they are here for me even when I am missing. Holding space. When I look out and see the faces of those friends in my class on Sunday I am going to be overwhelmed with gratitude. 

Today I feel filled up with love. For my children, for the way that the Universe gives us all exactly what we need even when we don't see why at the time, for the people in the class that I have the privilege of teaching today, for my mentor, who has spent (unpaid) hours with me ~ for my family, for being willing to give me the space I need to finish this program. 

Namaste friends. May you always have people in your corner.