Keeping on.

Have you ever figured out something that you just don't really like or want to accept?

Like, that a person is toxic for you or that you are, say, feeling called to religion when you didn't feel that way before, or perhaps the exact opposite is true? Or maybe you realize that you are allergic to something, or that you simply have to get a surgery that you have been putting off for a while now, though it brings you fear and pain?

I feel that way lately (though about none of those exact things), so forgive my silence.

Sometimes when that stuff hits you you just want to wait on it a while, in hopes that the little voice inside you telling you one thing is totally, completely, stupid, or wrong, or stoned. I'm there. Its difficult being a person who has a disordered history ~ Because even though it may feel like a million miles away, I know that that tendency to be SO black or white will be with me for life. This is bad this is good. All or nothing. So I consider that, when listening to this stupid voice (and no, I'm not really hearing voices ~ ! you know what I mean). And I consider what it really means to listen to it. And I consider what it means to NOT listen to it. And I don't want to be the person in life who takes the easier path, just because I was afraid to do the hard thing. I also don't want to enact a massive change in my life if I don't have to, honestly.

So, I'm just sitting with this, right now.... For now I think that that is the best thing that I can do. When you don't know what to do do nothing, somebody really smart once told me.

 I'm still enjoying my Whole30, and doing yoga every morning during the week, taking the weekends off as I let my toe heal. This past weekend was fabulous, with an outdoor movie night with the kids on Friday night at ACAC, a get together at the Penas on Saturday night with the kids, and a day at the Bluerocks game on Sunday with the Reeds.

I'm playing golf today at a club we are considering joining.  I'm a little anxious as between the toe and the new clubs last week was my season's high round so I'm hoping today goes a bit better. This time at least I will be playing with a member so I will have that going for me. I just need to stay calm and trust myself and stay relaxed. I'm going to do yoga with the kids this morning before having to arrive there at 11 for lunch and whatnot to try to get nice and loose and just go from there.