Golf Rant sorry

 This was my view walking in to the golf clinic this morning. Pants, thermal shirt, team shirt, jacket and infinity scarf….and I was freezing. Appropriately, apparently. Can I reiterate, APRIL 16. This is WRONGNESS. The universe is obviously conspiring against my desire to get better or even get more comfortable in my game before our first match on Tuesday. Our was-to-be driving and iron lesson (these two clinics are free to the wgap players) turned into sitting inside the card room talking about strategy and rules. There were only 6 of us, versus the 11 who were there last Saturday on the almost 80 degree day. None were under 50. Maybe 55. Okay, definitely 55. So the assistant pro starts off with ~ "okay, so all of you are good golfers, everyone is comfortable with competition, what is the biggest obstacle to winning this early in the season?". *Awkward turtle*………I raised my hand…….."I've  never competed". *shock gasp awe*. I mean, Denise, my first team non mentor mentor (the one who has tucked me under her wing since the day I first played with her on the prospective member day) knew that…..but I guess the other 4 didn't? There were polite chuckles of "hahahaah this kid is so fucked". Yes, I sagely nodded, yes. We proceeded to talk about playing in the wind, playing in the rain (meanwhile I'm asking like competition 101 questions ~ do we drive in the cart together? Can I carry my own bag (NO, and if its cart path only and my ball is far and I unstrap my bag to take it to my ball I'm DQ'd). Can I ask a caddy for a read? Do I tell an opponent on my home course on a blind-ish tee shot which direction the hole plays (no, but offer to drive her up there to see the hole). Ask her before teeing off if she would like like course direction…….but offer no advice. Some women will say from the get go "Please don't tell me anything about the course"….because if you say something like "there is a creek on the right" and then they hit it into the creek on the right they can feel as though you "suggested" that into their mind (ITS NOT VOODOO ITS GOLF). Can't ask what club an opponent is playing. Cant talk about slope of the green. Can't have a cell phone ring or access a text or have it buzz or glance at it. If it does? I concede the match. If the CADDY has his cell phone ring? Concede the match. The advice on that? Tell the caddy at the beginning of the round that if his cell phone rings he doesn't get paid. OH MAH GAHD. Then Byron, the pro guy, is all, just think your swing thoughts. Go through your pre shot routine. (pre shot routine? My pre shot routine is to check my phone to see if the sitter texted, maybe have a puff of Nate's cigar, and like, find lip balm. Maybe adjust my hat.). These people are FOR SERIOUS. I was like, "wear my team shirt and black pants, right?"…and they were all ~ HAND WARMERS! FOOT WARMERS! Plastic baggies with extra towels in your bag so they stray dry. A blanket to sit on if you are in a cart, makes a big difference! Big mittens for hands ~have no feel around the greens with cold hands!! GLOVES! RAIN GLOVES~! Byron told me I could try some out from the pro shop on friday ~ they would wet them down for me so I could get a good feel for them………..totally. Because I'm still trying to get a feel for my GAME, let alone some webbed sticky frog double handed gloves. If it wasn't so funny I would have been gasping for air. And the women were like ~ Its OKAY! The first match is at HOME! Truthfully? That 9 I played the other day freaked the shit out of me because I can't read the greens at CV to save my life. Cant read em. I'm so used to playing with Nate that reading puts is like a group thing ~ NEVER something that I just "do" and…….well, I don't know that Ive learned to do it well on my own. Man, sorry, I know that I'm tirading here, but man. Nate said to me that I 'Have a really negative attitude about golf this season"……and though I love him I admit that if a golf ball had somehow accidentally gotten lodged in his trachea at that moment? I may have waited a good 20 seconds where I stood in front of him saying "MAKE THE INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL FOR CHOKING IF YOU ARE CHOKING! OKAY. NOW, IF YOU ADMIT THAT IM NOT BEING NEGATIVE IM JUST BEING REALISTIC HOP ON ONE FOOT, THEN I WILL HEIMLICH YOU". The GHIN index updates every 2 weeks in season. The problem with that is that we are STUCK playing our positions based on the scores of the end of season last year. As of yesterdays revision? I'm up to a 19. I would NOT be playing 8th position. Because I shouldn't be! Because I'm coming off of years of babies and eMBA and broken things! And it sounds dumb I'm sure to anyone who doesn't play golf ~ but social golf vs. competition is like social reading vs, like, reading legal documents or something. I mean, you hit a bad shot off the tee, you hit a provisional, maybe you play it, maybe you don't, you get a ball on the cart path, or in a lateral hazard vs OB vs an unplayable lie vs clean and place rules vs order of play rules. Well. Lets just say that I'm pretty good at social reading. This legal document shit? I will show you a copy of the 3000 page tiny fine print codified to the high heavens rule book in my next post. I'm not even joking about this terror. I used to have this one friend who we called "the runner". She used to get drunk at parties and disappear. Run away. Hitch or walk or somehow find her way back home. I have this fear that I might do that. Ive already talked to Brooke about how my cell phone will be off and she can't reach me and I will leave the number of the course where I am. I have this secret fear that I might just ~ disappear on hole 3 of our course and go to the Friendlies that is probably only a 1/2 mile away, with my clubs and get french fries. Or have some panic exit text that I send Brooke if I'm down 8/8 to make her call the club with an "emergency". I know I won't do either, but somehow the ideas relieve me. But otherwise? Totally confident! Yay golf!. EFF.

On a whim while I was waiting for my hair poison color to do its thing I asked Anna to cut Jules hair. This lovely lady has had long hair for forever and as we come into summer we both needed a change. Her? 4 inches with layers off. Me? About the same. Full house sleepover tonight ~ so I have three kids passed out in my bed and on my floor in sleeping bags after Lukes special movie night .