Self Care.

The branch on the right is beautiful, the one on the left is empty….not beautiful. It looks kind of sad. Both, of course are natural states for this tree.

Right now I feel a bit like the branch on the left, but unnecessarily, unnaturally. Granted, its the end of a crazy few days, but its more than that. I've realized how much the kids being gone at lunchtime 4 out of 7 days a week has thrown off my normal eating habits. I've lost weight that I didn't want to lose, I feel a bit depleted and run down, and its 100% related to my own lack of planning/allowing myself to get too busy/not paying close enough attention to my own needs in taking care of everyone else's.  The weekend was awesome, but long. I can't head into weekends tired knowing how busy the back end of my weekend is with teaching/volunteering/coaching. This weekend, I did. Thursday night I was out coaching, then with friends for dinner, then Friday morning was up bright and early to teach. Friday night? We took the kids out to eat. Saturday we were out of here by 7:30 to play in a fantastic golf tournament run by friends at a local course (we rushed out of here having not eaten, thinking that we would grab something at the course, not realizing that they wouldn't have anything there. This is the kind of thing that happens when you are rushing around, this comes up later). The weather was AWFUL at tee off, literally pouring rain and super windy. We had a really fun foursome however and persevered, and as the weather finally pulled out and the rain stopped, things warned up and became more fun/less an episode of Survivor. After a quick change at home (way past lunch time, no lunch at the turn or boxed lunch) we spent the entire rest of the day at their house (which wasn't really that long ~ golf tournaments just take a long, long time) where awards were given out and we found that we had won the tournament, which was fun!  (There were virtually no GF options.  Terrible). Sunday was bright and early 3 classes. Great things happened this week, I had a new student who turned out to be a teacher from a different local Y whose friend who had told her she had to attend my class, which was exciting. I had two other new people, one of whom then friended me on FB and sent me a message about how they enjoyed the class and would be back, and another who used to be in childcare at our old gym and sent me a similar message on FB. So it was really exciting ~ and the whole vibe before class was so positive and chatty and happy. It used to be so dour and silent and…cold in there. These are positive changes towards creating a feeling of community in my little corner of the Y and the yoga community. I was also asked again to teach at a local huge corporation with initials……by my student who is a teacher. This is awesome and its on a night that wouldn't have worked preciously, but with Jake's soccer winding down I can now say yes to her. They pay really well and this is the place that Sue also teaches. Its a great gig and I'm thrilled to get in there. Then I had my biggest week ever at crossfit with 13 and 6 in prenatal!

I don't know if its because I'm still such a new teacher or if its something that all teachers need…..but I rely on feedback. Positive or negative! I value hearing that people do (or don't!) like a certain playlist, pose, or *anything* about my class.  Its critical and it helps me so so much in creating the sort of classes that people WANT to be in. I then went basically straight to coaching at 1:15. (see how this happens? Taught thru lunch and had to rush to the next thing. Not good)  Sunday night we had plans to go to dinner out as it was the end of our groceries and I knew I was going to be exhausted, but as I sat in the freezing wind watching Luke play all I wanted was my pajamas and a huge bowl of grilled cheese and tomato soup. The idea of getting everyone dressed up and to the club made me more tired. So? Pajamas and soup and grilled cheese it was. Huge win of a decision. Monday I woke up at 6 am, went to the rite aid, bought a pregnancy test, and took it.

I had had the old 4 am waking up gig. Hadn't been interested in food, and when I was it was carbs and comfort food I wanted. Was having a lot more dreams than normal. Those things has happened to me when I was pregnant. Sunday it hit me like a freight train ~ was I pregnant? Was THAT what was going on?

I wasn't pregnant. I take my pill maniacally perfectly, so that didn't really make sense. It also taught me again, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that three kids is exactly what we want. But as I taught yesterday I kept thinking, why do I  FEEL LIKE THIS? And then it was so obvious. Because I'm not prioritizing eating well (for myself). I'm not taking the TIME to sit down and make healthy meals at lunchtime. By the time I am hungry its just easier to grab something fast, rather than make a healthy meal. Especially last week, where Nate was gone some and we had evenings out a lot due to sports and other events, I wasn't cooking full meals. This weekend was abysmal. So yesterday, as I taught at 9:30, grocery shopped, then went straight to the kids school to volunteer, I bought lunch to eat on the way (in the car, one of my ultimate gross out people habits. But, it was that or eat at 2:30 after picking up Jake and getting the groceries in and put away). Taught at 12:30. Got Jake. Made a huge pot of soup. Taught at 5:15 (thankfully Nate was home so I could leave the kids home. I love that as I hate dragging them to…well….anywhere after they have been in school all day). Came home to steaming hot chicken and vegetable rice soup.

Its hard! I never thought that losing the routine of the past 7 years of my life (Breakfast with kids, lunch with kids, dinner with kids) would so throw off my own routine. Its nothing but …..not laziness necessarily, on my part…..more like an unwillingness to break with what I am doing to pay good attention to my own needs. Its untenable. It doesn't feel good, it doesn't work well. So, I've decided to stay away from working out for a little bit, to try to pare down my schedule a little bit in that way, so that I can focus a little more on eating well and having that little bit more time in my schedule to make sure that I'm actually sitting DOWN at mid day to have a normal, healthy meal.

Have you ever struggled with this?  I don't know that its really an issue of balance, per say, more one of timing, for me. I seem to just have *something* too many days at or near lunchtime, that keeps me from being hungry or keeps me from having lunch, then by the time I DO have time to eat, I'm eating at 3, then I'm not hungry for (the healthy) dinner, then I go to bed either not eating dinner, or I sit down to a crappy meal at 8 or 9 pm (like, crackers and cheese or ice cream….not something well rounded and healthy because who wants to cook at that time of night?. Its taking its toll and I need to right the ship because I recognize how lousy its making me feel. Anyone? Did your kids help you eat more easily than you realized? In losing your kids to school, have you had to re-teach yourself to follow the healthy habits that naturally came with making sure your kids had the *best* most healthy habits for themselves? Its so ironic to me that taking the time and making routine for my kids was a 100% priority at all times, yet I'm finding it nearly impossible to devote the same sort of energy to my own wellbeing. Get with it, Melis!