The Fat Yoga Teacher.
So I read THIS ARTICLE about a week or so ago, while on the go.
I was reminded of it this past weekend, while at Namas Day. It was impossible to not notice the crowd at the event. While there were more men then I expected, it was predominantly a thin, white, crowd of women, mostly between 30 and 50. Some of that is our area, some of that was the subject of the convention. I always, always find myself looking more at the crowd in class since becoming a teacher. I watch other teachers more, seeing how and when they assist. Seeing how and when and why they are demoing. Seeing who they are watching. Seeing if they are demoing down to the least able student in the class, or blithely doing their own practice. I especially do this when I am yoga hopping (taking different classes from different teachers). It's different on nights like last night, when I am actually just deep in my own practice with my own mentor, taking one of the most intense and powerful classes of my life ~ I'm intent on my own practice and may as well be practicing with my eyes closed. But other times, I'm learning while I practice. And when I read articles like this one I'm learning….even if it takes time for it to sink in.
My initial reaction was "that's ridiculous. Gaining 40 lbs in 4 months is unhealthy. What is she trying to prove.? And painting with period blood? This woman clearly has attention issues. Whatever. Why would she DO this?"
But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered. I think that my experience would be different were I suddenly 40 lbs heavier. 40 lbs is a lot. 40 lbs of weight is more than I was full term with Jake. That's big (for me, sans Jake inside me). So yes, if I was trying to get people to hire me and was suddenly, like 16 weeks from now that much bigger, for no reason, yes, I would certainly be, well, I would probably not even be out looking for jobs, because on some level I think that I would be freaking out. I mean. Honestly that would be gaining a huge ton of weight in very little time. I would have to intentionally try really hard to gain that much weight and it would of course impact my self image. But is this about her self image, or how her students view her? Because I have a couple of yoga teachers who have softer bodies who I revere. I love them. I trust and appreciate them and never think about the few extra pounds on their bodies, their teachings are not their bodies. They are excellent teachers. A few of the super skinny people who I saw on Sunday who appeared clearly disordered couldn't teach me. I steer clear of teachers who appear disordered because I steer clear of ANY fitness professional or teacher who appears to struggle with eating disorders. I don't want to learn self care or self love or yoga or any fitness from people who can't love themselves enough to feed themselves. I wish them well, I wish them health, but I don't want to study under them. Is that fair? Judging someone as being "too skinny"? Maybe not. Would I similarly judge someone as being "too fat"? I'm not sure. It's never come up. But I do have a pretty good spidey sense of when someone is suffering one way or another with disordered thoughts or behavior, and though its only come up once in the past few years, I've had to not train with that person. I protect myself first, always, and do that without apology.
But then I went back to the article again to figure out what she was really saying. She had to gain a bunch of weight to realize that she was afraid of not being loved. Oh. Aren't we all afraid on some level of not being loved? Also probably of dying, at least a little bit? And maybe of contracting a scary disease? Or losing a child? Or a parent? Why intentionally mess with your metabolism and actually up your risks of illness or depression or of messing with your own head (what if you develop food issues in all of that intentional eating (and maybe I'm wrong, but I think that most normal/non restrictive eaters would have to eat pretty intentionally to gain 40 lbs in 4 months??) and then have issues in taking the "experimental weight" off? What if? Isn't it just a lot easier to acknowledge that LIFE IS SCARY and that weight isn't a shield against any of it ~ whether not eating to protect one from fear or overeating to protect one from fear? That we can't starve ourselves from pain and we can't stuff ourselves as a shield against it either?
Am I missing the point of the article? I sometimes do. Help me, people?
I feel like there should have been some tying it all together paragraph that maybe got left out? Is it just me?
After body combat today (second day in a row stuck inside the gym due to rain :() I decided to fly my crane (Eka Pada Bakasana, or one legged crane). I had never tried it before but saw it on instagram this morning and had a go. Its easier than it looks. I'm trying to add some "build-able" inversions to my bag (aka, start in tripod, lift up or build up to crow, build up to crane, side crows, extended or split leg side crows, then perhaps this pose, then a double leg press up…….to teach in my inversion classes at Crossfit. Have I mentioned that I'm SLIGHTLY excited about this class? We start this month!!!!!)
I was reminded of it this past weekend, while at Namas Day. It was impossible to not notice the crowd at the event. While there were more men then I expected, it was predominantly a thin, white, crowd of women, mostly between 30 and 50. Some of that is our area, some of that was the subject of the convention. I always, always find myself looking more at the crowd in class since becoming a teacher. I watch other teachers more, seeing how and when they assist. Seeing how and when and why they are demoing. Seeing who they are watching. Seeing if they are demoing down to the least able student in the class, or blithely doing their own practice. I especially do this when I am yoga hopping (taking different classes from different teachers). It's different on nights like last night, when I am actually just deep in my own practice with my own mentor, taking one of the most intense and powerful classes of my life ~ I'm intent on my own practice and may as well be practicing with my eyes closed. But other times, I'm learning while I practice. And when I read articles like this one I'm learning….even if it takes time for it to sink in.
My initial reaction was "that's ridiculous. Gaining 40 lbs in 4 months is unhealthy. What is she trying to prove.? And painting with period blood? This woman clearly has attention issues. Whatever. Why would she DO this?"
But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered. I think that my experience would be different were I suddenly 40 lbs heavier. 40 lbs is a lot. 40 lbs of weight is more than I was full term with Jake. That's big (for me, sans Jake inside me). So yes, if I was trying to get people to hire me and was suddenly, like 16 weeks from now that much bigger, for no reason, yes, I would certainly be, well, I would probably not even be out looking for jobs, because on some level I think that I would be freaking out. I mean. Honestly that would be gaining a huge ton of weight in very little time. I would have to intentionally try really hard to gain that much weight and it would of course impact my self image. But is this about her self image, or how her students view her? Because I have a couple of yoga teachers who have softer bodies who I revere. I love them. I trust and appreciate them and never think about the few extra pounds on their bodies, their teachings are not their bodies. They are excellent teachers. A few of the super skinny people who I saw on Sunday who appeared clearly disordered couldn't teach me. I steer clear of teachers who appear disordered because I steer clear of ANY fitness professional or teacher who appears to struggle with eating disorders. I don't want to learn self care or self love or yoga or any fitness from people who can't love themselves enough to feed themselves. I wish them well, I wish them health, but I don't want to study under them. Is that fair? Judging someone as being "too skinny"? Maybe not. Would I similarly judge someone as being "too fat"? I'm not sure. It's never come up. But I do have a pretty good spidey sense of when someone is suffering one way or another with disordered thoughts or behavior, and though its only come up once in the past few years, I've had to not train with that person. I protect myself first, always, and do that without apology.
But then I went back to the article again to figure out what she was really saying. She had to gain a bunch of weight to realize that she was afraid of not being loved. Oh. Aren't we all afraid on some level of not being loved? Also probably of dying, at least a little bit? And maybe of contracting a scary disease? Or losing a child? Or a parent? Why intentionally mess with your metabolism and actually up your risks of illness or depression or of messing with your own head (what if you develop food issues in all of that intentional eating (and maybe I'm wrong, but I think that most normal/non restrictive eaters would have to eat pretty intentionally to gain 40 lbs in 4 months??) and then have issues in taking the "experimental weight" off? What if? Isn't it just a lot easier to acknowledge that LIFE IS SCARY and that weight isn't a shield against any of it ~ whether not eating to protect one from fear or overeating to protect one from fear? That we can't starve ourselves from pain and we can't stuff ourselves as a shield against it either?
Am I missing the point of the article? I sometimes do. Help me, people?
I feel like there should have been some tying it all together paragraph that maybe got left out? Is it just me?
After body combat today (second day in a row stuck inside the gym due to rain :() I decided to fly my crane (Eka Pada Bakasana, or one legged crane). I had never tried it before but saw it on instagram this morning and had a go. Its easier than it looks. I'm trying to add some "build-able" inversions to my bag (aka, start in tripod, lift up or build up to crow, build up to crane, side crows, extended or split leg side crows, then perhaps this pose, then a double leg press up…….to teach in my inversion classes at Crossfit. Have I mentioned that I'm SLIGHTLY excited about this class? We start this month!!!!!)
If you missed the point of that article, so did I. I think your conclusion of her having to gain weight to see if she would feel loved was about all I got out of it too. Like you, however, I too avoid people who struggle with weight when on the lookout for fitness advice -- unless they're passing along sound advice that they've found elsewhere. Even when I struggled with an ED in the past I avoided exercising with others going through the same thing because I figured I had enough of my own irrational thoughts to deal with and didn't need more. However, I do judge on the other extreme too. I simply wouldn't want to take fitness advice from anyone I perceive as having an unhealthy body (which, for me, is pretty difficult to see so a person has to be pretty obese or underweight for me to notice). It makes sense to want to model yourself after someone healthy, if you ask me. I also cannot wrap my mind around how gaining 40lbs in four months could be healthy... so I find myself struggling not to judge that lady for her unhealthy decisions. As someone in the healthcare field, I try to be judgmental, but I cannot help but feel sorry for her and if she were my instructor then that is when I think it's ok to do a bit of judging -- you are paying her after all in that situation. I think she was trying to somehow prove she could be good at yoga regardless of her weight too... but, yeah, something more needed to be said.
ReplyDeleteThanks……I know that sometimes as my issues with food were so long ago and I think that I have …maybe lost a little bit of the…..I don't know, the remembering? This month I decided to go to therapy for a month in conjunction with several other things like giving up coffee, going to bed earlier on SAturday night before teaching on Sundays (our social schedule has been brutal on weekends) and other things……….and my therapist has known that I have a blog. She doesht have access to it, but she keeps encouraging me to write about "those times" as she thinks that it would be beneficial in getting me back in touch with those feelings/tuning me back into those emotions. I'm torn…do I WANT to remember those emotions? ANyway, I appreciate feedback that others are confused about the article. THanks
DeleteI hear you on the 'forgetting' part. For me, it's only been about eight years since my last relapse and I feel the same way. In some ways, it's good to remember in order to know how far you've come and how blessed you are to have the life you have. In other ways, it might not be a bad thing to forget. It's obvious that you're aware of how blessed you are; just from reading here I can tell that. I know that, in my case, I think it's better to not remember it all just because I feel like, along with remembering how awful it was, I'm scared that I would remember the part that kept me going down that path and got me hooked in the first place. I also feel like forgetting has meant completely losing that part of my identity and forming a new one. You could certainly try writing about it and see how it feels though; stop if it doesn't feel right. ((hugs))
DeleteWhen I read the article title, I thought "Awesome! An article by a different body type yoga teacher!"
ReplyDeleteThen I read the article. I am just shaking my head. Why would you do that? Nothing good comes from gaining (or losing) weight that fast.
What was the point of the exercise? To see how her students treated her differently? To see if she lost students or self confidence? I just don't get it.
I had the same initial thought!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks. I don't get it either. And boy, it just makes me think about how much money I'd have to spend on new clothes ~ No thanks on that front alone! :)