The first melt down and the first work out.

You can see my cool metal zipper as I did some abs. It was tricky finding an outfit which didn't irritate my staples. I can't wait until these things come out. They are driving me batty. 

So. It had to come. Yesterday I had my first meltdown. It was probably my fault. I tried to do to much. I tried to act like it was "normal" life,  and we simply aren't at "normal' yet. I woke up and didn't feel too good after a late night date (which wound up being with my neighbor as both of our husbands were stuck in airports due to awesome yet annoying thunderstorms we were having back east). In our hurry to get lunches packed up and pool gear on and ready and out the door to the gym I skipped breakfast, only taking my percoset to get my hip in motion. Mistake #1. Nate worked out while I talked hit the spa for a little bit, then we headed out. Instead taking up my spot in the shade like I did with the nanny, I tried to act like I could help. I handed out the lunched I had packed, sunblocked up the kids, and 'ran' around on my crutches in the sun getting everyone sorted. Nate ordered our lunches, and I waded into the pool (shallowly) with my crutches watching our kids while Nate waited for our food. It was hot. I got overheated. By the time I got to my lunch, I took a bite and instantly felt sick. I ended up getting into the shade, putting up my leg, putting my head down on the table, and having him take the kids into the pool. I felt overwhelmed, and like I couldn't breathe. I became acutely aware of how incredibly unwell and fragile I still was, a little sun and some lunch duty had, like, completely knocked me out for the count. I suddenly could not breathe. I got up and crutched my way inside, had someone let me in the emergency exit, as I thought that maybe air conditioning could calm me down. I immediately ran into a friend and employee of the club, who saw my face, and instantly was worried ~ her worry caused me to start to cry, and she grabbed me a chair. I couldn't breathe. She ran to get me water, and I knew I was going to be sick. I crutched my way to the luckily right near by locker room, and got sick.

Somehow, getting sick instantly made me feel better. I don't know if something was up with the salad, or with me, or what the deal was, but I managed to pull myself together enough to get back to the pool for another 1/2 hour, then we came home. Nate literally tucked me into bed along with the kids at 2 pm. Everyone else slept till 5.....but I was still in my panic. I was freaked out by how badly today had gone, but how worn out I had become simply by trying to participate in my "normal" duties. I started letting my mind get ahead of myself ~ letting it race to all of the bad places........suddenly my bones were probably brittle, I was probably falling apart, in fact, I was probably going to die, and my kids weren't even going to remember me. Then I was in a true panic attack. Next it was the whole "I'm ruining my kids life I can't even care for them properly right now etc etc etc. thing. I laid there for an HOUR like this, my heart racing, before my stupid self thought to take some anxiety medication, that I have for precisely such events. I ended up going downstairs to Nate, who was studying, in giant gasping heaving sobs asking him if my bones were rotting and I was going to die and if I was ruining our kids lives. Poor Nate. He is so good with me. He knows just when to hold me, to laugh at me kindly, and to tell me that everything is okay. That our kids are thriving. That my bones are strong. That we are surrounded by an army of help. That I don't have to be better today. That this is a process. He talks me off the ledge of my own worst and darkest fears like only my Mom can. Unfortunately my Mom is in Europe, she left (crying) about 4 days post surgery. He wanted to cancel our dinner plans, but I knew that sitting around, that letting the dark thoughts or the worry win, would only be harder on me, so it was time to soldier on. I laid in his arms, let the medicine work, let his words soothe me, let my heart stop pounding, let my mind unwind back to a normal course of thoughts......and remembered that this is HARD, what we are going through. If I didn't panic once or twice, I don't know that I would be normal. Sometimes in my rush to be positive about everything I fail to honor the difficulty and seriousness of exactly what both my body and our family are going through. I just underwent a very major life event, and I can "positive think" it all I want, but if I don't acknowledge some of the shittyness of it, some of the well that fuckingsucks of it all, some of the nowwhythehelldidthathappentome of it, well, I'm not going to be doing myself any favors, that's just a fact. This sucks, and it won't suck forever, and yes I will come out of this stronger, but sometimes I have to just say that this sucks and yesterday it sucked and it sucked especially hard and it really, really hurt, deep down in my soul. Yesterday it took my breath away, just how much it hurt.

I went upstairs and put on a new dress that my Mom had just given me for my birthday, along with some new honeybee jewelry (Melissa means Honeybee), and it was like getting a hug from my mom from across the ocean, a much needed one. I knew that there were going to be dark days, and yesterday was one, the darkest one so far. I can tell you that the simple act of admitting my fear to Nate (and now, the Internet at large :)), and of allowing myself to be soothed, was tremendously therapeutic. So was the act of showering, putting on a cute new dress, and some make up, and cutting some flowers and bringing food and enjoying a lovely beautiful evening at the home of a fabulous hostess with friends and children and champagne sangria and lots and lots of laughter. Sometimes the best way to get out of ones own head is simply to act like everything is okay.....until suddenly you realize, as I did at about 7 pm while eating a fabulous homemade GF meal on beautiful lawn furniture on a sprawling lawn with good friends and watched dirty sweet kids chase one another around on a summers night with a beautiful breeze.......that everything IS all right. You just had to remember. You just had to let it be.

So. Yesterday was over. I had a fantastic nights sleep, and put it behind me.

Today while Nate grocery shopped for us I had my first work out! It felt so strange yet wonderful to put on my workout clothes! I took it easy, and just did arm work and ab work, and it felt great. This week brings the dread DEXA text, the much anticipated Ortho meeting Tuesday (and my staples out!), and more talks with Lawyers and a conference call (on Monday) with the hospital regarding what exactly got missed, why, and what they plan to do about it. We are off to another party this evening. I am useless at parties as far as helping out goes as I have no free hands, so I have gotten good at putting my crutches down, planting myself firmly in a comfortable seat, and enjoying conversation. The kids come over occasionally, though they generally are wonderful at playing with the other kids at this point, and I get to enjoy the rest and conversation. This week we continue to have full time help, and I have a bit more on the schedule, a bit of a return to the real world of some events with friends to look forward to. Thankfully we will continue to receive dinners into August, which has been a tremendous aide to recovery as it has allowed one constant in the chaos, the family dinner, to continue. I'm incredibly grateful to my friends for doing this for us, especially with our  specific (GF) food needs. We leave Saturday for a week of vacation at the beach, so this week is all about the kids enjoying a week of (1/2 day) camp, my recovery continuing, and the sweet anticipation of our time of relaxation together as a family (with our Nanny) to rejuvenate and enjoy one another. Hopefully I'm done with meltdowns for at least another month. They are utterly exhausting.