The heartache.

I miss this little guy so much my heart just aches, worse than the pain in my leg.

My surgery was 8 days ago. I was in the hospital for 4 days, Jake did not come see me there, for obvious reasons. When I came home, Carolyn was caring for him here. Then, on Saturday night, he left, to go to Stroudsburg with Tony and Carolyn, and has been there since. I ACHE for my baby. He is coming home today or tomorrow. but man, way, way, beyond the physical pain, I miss my daily routine, my time spent with my sweet kids. I don't even miss exercise anymore (I get now how people don't work out, they just don't do it for so long they forget how wonderful it feels, and it just leaves their lives and they slowly gain weight over time......it seems to be having the opposite effect on my life, I'm shedding muscle or something at a scary rate and am going to need to start doing something actively to stop this weight loss).  I miss my kids. I miss them terribly. I almost WISH we were TV watchers so they could at least lay around in bed with me and watch TV with me just to have that cuddle time with me. I get it at nap time and at bed time when we read books for about an hour,  but that's all I get right now, and its killing me. I miss them. When Luke came climbing into my bed this morning I started sobbing. Now, part of this is that mornings are the very worst time of day for me. I wake up in terrible pain, I'm thinking of setting an alarm for about 5 am to take a percoset so that this waking up in breathtaking pain ends ~ I hate it. I want to cry every day when I wake up. After taking pain medication and moving around some the joint loosens up some and the pain alleviates a bit, but mornings are really rough. This morning I awoke in pain, and trying to get to the bathroom in pain on my STUPID crutches that I hate just had me in tears. I was SO frustrated and SO sick of this whole process. And as I climbed back into our big warm bed, feeling sorry for myself, my little boy came running into our room and climbed into our bed right next to me. He threw his arms around me and asked me what was wrong and I told him that my leg was hurting me and that I was frustrated because I missed him. He kissed my nose and told me that"Its okay Mama, let my kisses be your medicine and you will be better really soon".........and my heart just melted.

This is a bend in our path, nothing more. This is a few weeks in our entire life where I see my children for a few hours less a day, I can't build it up into more than that. Today I just feel jealous of the sitter downstairs coloring with my bed headed little kidlets, instead of grateful for her, and that is so, so the wrong attitude. I need to get it in check. Our nanny is giving me the ability to heal, to rest, to get healthy, and our kids the ability to not be housebound just because I am. She is a luxury, and I need to be infinitely grateful for her, and keep any and all feelings of jealousy at bay. That is just pure selfishness, and of all times to be selfish, this isn't it. We added a nanny plan to our ACAC membership, so as soon as I feel well enough to get up and out for longer periods of time the nanny will be able to take us/me to the pool, which will be great. I miss being outside! It will also be a fun way for me to be able to have fun with my kids without actually having the responsibility/pressure of caring for them as I simply cannot move quickly or bear their weight at the moment. This blog is a great way for me to keep myself accountable when my attitude is getting off track, and I am grateful for it. Amanda, I am also grateful for the constant stream of love bombs I keep receiving from Chicago ~ I love you and keep them by my bedside so that when I get lonely or blue I have something to turn to that instantly picks me up. Thanks, friend. Sometimes distance does not mean a thing :)