Taper 101. The new version.

As a runner I hated taper weeks....though when racing, I loved the results. I hated not working out, but loved the times my taper could produce.

I'm tapering. This time, I'm loving everything about it. I'm trying to taper wisely, just like when racing. I'm limiting my taper to just around the house, and only when inside, and only after my hip is warmed up a little, so until after breakfast. This is huge. One crutch vs. two crutches is like an entirely new universe. It is the difference between having no hands and one hand. This, as a Mom, or just as a human in general, is tremendous. No more backpack for the smallest of tasks. No more being completely useless. This.is.awesome. By the way, if you are going to break a hip, I urge you to be smart about this and please break your RIGHT hip. Because this way, when you go to one crutch you go to the left crutch. Assuming you are right handed, this is way more convienant. If you are one of those weirdo left handed people reverse that advice, of course.

I'm still resting most of my afternoons away, but I find myself filled with energy in the mornings. I've been getting out with friends (with 2 crutches), I've been organizing my house, I've been feeling......almost normal.......again. I came to some important decisions the other night (with the help and encouragement of my ever wise husband) regarding the hospital and their complete fuck up of the negligence situation, and since that moment have felt like I've turned a corner in this recovery thing. I've stopped viewing myself as a victim and feel as though the path before me holds nothing but clarity and recovery. There are no coincidences in life, and I don't marvel in the least that as I was grappling with all of this I get a text from Amanda with this "Above all, be the heroine of your own life, not the victim" from Nora Ephron. Amanda, you have no idea how timely this text was, and I thank you for it. While I am a crazy, impulsive, passionate, charming, fiery and not always level headed person, I have somehow managed to surround myself with incredibly grounded, wise, and honest people ~ people who both love me for EXACTLY the qualities I just mentioned, but who also have the strength and wisdom and courage to know when to mention that I just may be getting a little off track. And you know what? I let this fucking hospital and their bad medicine get me off track. I let it make me forget who I was. I let them make me feel vulnerable, and sick, and scared, and afraid. And I let that experience, that experience of being mistreated and demeaned, trigger some really bad things inside of me. Things that have no place in my life, these days. And I needed those wise friends and my wise husband, in particular, to tell me to get it together. To tell me to move on. To tell me that I'm bigger than that mistake, and that yeah it sucked, and yeah it hurt, and that yeah it was frightening, and that yeah it was bullshit, and that yeah it was demeaning, and that yeah we are going to do what we can to ensure that that hospital does not send other patients away broken and in pain......but first and foremost we are going to recover, and we are going to move on, and we are going to be GRATEFUL, before we are going to be angry or bitter. Because there is no place for anger or bitterness when my plate is so full of love, so full of gratitude for the way that our friends have rallied around us, and for all of the blessings in our life. There was a time for anger, we had it, we have turned it over to others, and we are moving on.

And suddenly I feel like I can eat again. And that is very, very good news. If there is one thing to do right in life, it is to choose your spouse, and choose your friends carefully.  Because with good people beside you, you can't ever lose your way. And when you can't walk, they will carry you. Literally. I will never forget my Dad and husband carrying me into my home when I could not walk. I will never forget Jeannie undressing and dressing me when I couldn't do it myself. I won't forget the 40 50 dinners we are receiving, or the cards and visits and calls and the people who took my kids overnight on the fly without a second thought. I was consumed with anger, and missing the blessing in all of this, because that hospital made me feel vulnerable in a way I have not felt in a whole hell of a lot of years. And I was letting it eat me up, literally. And now I don't have to anymore, and I feel free. So thank you, universe, for giving me the best people in the world, for me. I'd be lost without them.