What's Your Why?
Beautiful article here. Be forewarned, its sad, not horribly, intentionally heart wrenching, but its sad.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. For YEARS I was so angry. SO ANGRY.
I had the opportunity to go to some really top shelf schools. I was a field hockey recruit at schools like Princeton, Georgetown, BC, Brown, Nwestern, etc. This was back in 1992, and I was a first kid, and frankly the obsessive "college hunt" game just wasn't played like it is today. I had great SAT scores, was a National Merit Finalist, good grades, volunteered, played several sports, and generally was a solid candidate. I came from an average (or, below average back then?!?) , small, religious school, however. That isn't to say that no one went to good schools from my school, my very best friend went to U Penn, it just was the very minority. About 50% of the kids in my HS went on to Christian colleges. I was told by my guidance counselor that because I was unwilling to consider Christian schools he was unable to help me. I was completely on my own with essays, applications, etc. I chose poorly, really poorly, and let a boyfriend factor into my decision to pick a way too small, way too close to home, way too homogeneous and completely just not right college. (Dickinson College)
After dropping out, for years I felt a lot of anger about this. The guidance counselor failed me. I was failed by my crappy Christian school. I was screwed that because I wasn't religious enough I was kept from National Honor Society, even though I qualified in every area (Christianity isn't an actual qualifier at normal actual ACADEMIC schools).
A couple of things hit me the other day while out for a long run.
1. I would have probably have dropped out anywhere that I went ~ I was sick.
2. Had I gone elsewhere I may not have made friends who loved me enough to tell my parents how sick I was and get me out of school and into inpatient treatment when they did.
3. Had I not gone where I did I would never have met Nate.
4. Had I not met Nate my life would not be the one that I know and love today.
5. At 39, after 20 YEARS of recovery and 21 years after graduation, I'm STILL hanging on to resentments and "Why's" about school. Why didn't I look at more schools? What if the guidance office had actually guided me? Why didn't my parents know that kids needed more help in choosing schools? Why didn't I take a semester or year off BEFORE starting school to address my eating disorder, which my parents has officially "caught" me in that summer before I went to school? Why? Why? ………………….and I love my life!!!! Even sans degree I got so so lucky to have a great career in commercial lending. I'm married to the man I love. I'm teaching the thing that I'm most passionate about. So why the why's? Without all of that there would be no this…….
I resolved to let them go. To free myself from beating myself (and others, internally) up about why. I was young. I didn't know. I was my parents first go at the kid thing, they didn't know. That guidance counselor? Well, he was a huge bag of dicks, he has to live with that, I forgive him and his horrible, sick, dogma.
I'm about to head out on a run, and today I resolve to run with a mantra of gratitude focusing on the how's. How I got to meet Nate through that school! How I got to get well due to that school. How I got to have the life that I have today, due to that school. How my parents may not have known how to help me pick a college, but the second my friends told them I needed help, they were there with an army, finding me the best inpatient help they could find. The HOWS are the part of the blessing that I was missing! Thinking about this actually brought me to silent tears during my classes shavasana yesterday. Seeing these beautiful people taking their rest, I felt overwhelmed with joy and gratitude at the (crazy) path that my life has taken to get me to just that place, there on my mat at that moment. It took all of that pain to get me there, and you never walk away from pain untouched. My pain can help me help others, of that I am sure.
I wonder how many other beautiful how's I'm missing in my life right now because I'm looking at the why's. I don't want to miss a single one.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. For YEARS I was so angry. SO ANGRY.
I had the opportunity to go to some really top shelf schools. I was a field hockey recruit at schools like Princeton, Georgetown, BC, Brown, Nwestern, etc. This was back in 1992, and I was a first kid, and frankly the obsessive "college hunt" game just wasn't played like it is today. I had great SAT scores, was a National Merit Finalist, good grades, volunteered, played several sports, and generally was a solid candidate. I came from an average (or, below average back then?!?) , small, religious school, however. That isn't to say that no one went to good schools from my school, my very best friend went to U Penn, it just was the very minority. About 50% of the kids in my HS went on to Christian colleges. I was told by my guidance counselor that because I was unwilling to consider Christian schools he was unable to help me. I was completely on my own with essays, applications, etc. I chose poorly, really poorly, and let a boyfriend factor into my decision to pick a way too small, way too close to home, way too homogeneous and completely just not right college. (Dickinson College)
After dropping out, for years I felt a lot of anger about this. The guidance counselor failed me. I was failed by my crappy Christian school. I was screwed that because I wasn't religious enough I was kept from National Honor Society, even though I qualified in every area (Christianity isn't an actual qualifier at normal actual ACADEMIC schools).
A couple of things hit me the other day while out for a long run.
1. I would have probably have dropped out anywhere that I went ~ I was sick.
2. Had I gone elsewhere I may not have made friends who loved me enough to tell my parents how sick I was and get me out of school and into inpatient treatment when they did.
3. Had I not gone where I did I would never have met Nate.
4. Had I not met Nate my life would not be the one that I know and love today.
5. At 39, after 20 YEARS of recovery and 21 years after graduation, I'm STILL hanging on to resentments and "Why's" about school. Why didn't I look at more schools? What if the guidance office had actually guided me? Why didn't my parents know that kids needed more help in choosing schools? Why didn't I take a semester or year off BEFORE starting school to address my eating disorder, which my parents has officially "caught" me in that summer before I went to school? Why? Why? ………………….and I love my life!!!! Even sans degree I got so so lucky to have a great career in commercial lending. I'm married to the man I love. I'm teaching the thing that I'm most passionate about. So why the why's? Without all of that there would be no this…….
(reaching the summit at Hawk Mountain. The kids first 4 mile hike (Rocky River Trail) with steep, rocky ascents and descents. Rockstars)
I resolved to let them go. To free myself from beating myself (and others, internally) up about why. I was young. I didn't know. I was my parents first go at the kid thing, they didn't know. That guidance counselor? Well, he was a huge bag of dicks, he has to live with that, I forgive him and his horrible, sick, dogma.
I'm about to head out on a run, and today I resolve to run with a mantra of gratitude focusing on the how's. How I got to meet Nate through that school! How I got to get well due to that school. How I got to have the life that I have today, due to that school. How my parents may not have known how to help me pick a college, but the second my friends told them I needed help, they were there with an army, finding me the best inpatient help they could find. The HOWS are the part of the blessing that I was missing! Thinking about this actually brought me to silent tears during my classes shavasana yesterday. Seeing these beautiful people taking their rest, I felt overwhelmed with joy and gratitude at the (crazy) path that my life has taken to get me to just that place, there on my mat at that moment. It took all of that pain to get me there, and you never walk away from pain untouched. My pain can help me help others, of that I am sure.
I wonder how many other beautiful how's I'm missing in my life right now because I'm looking at the why's. I don't want to miss a single one.
Speaking of which, here is another article that completely moved me yesterday. This is why I pray. This is why I have been able to move back to language which lets me say "I will keep you in my prayers" without choking or gagging on the words like I did for years, there.
I think that this is beautifully written, and a fascinating look at the intention of language. We can speak with intention, honoring the people that we love, without compromising ourselves, if we live and love with open hearts.
Curious to hear thoughts on this.
I couldn't read the first article, but what you've written resonates with me. I spent way too many years in an unhealthy relationship at that seemingly crucial time of life - starting late in high school. Because of that relationship, I didn't even really consider an amazing opportunity to go to Scripps, because it was too far from him. My parents pushed hard, refusing to pay for Smith. The "compromise" was Tulane. Where I had some great experiences but also made some REALLY bad choices. Didn't stay there, didn't go on to study abroad, transferred to a small college here in NC & ex moved here. "Missed out" on studying abroad, exploring the world, learning to stand on my own two feet in an unfamiliar place, learning how to be brave and strong and open. Instead, stayed in NC, getting more and more unhappy - and heavier and heavier.
ReplyDeleteBUT. Here is where I met the love of my life - met him and KNEW he was the one while engaged to that other guy, ironically. It took me a really long time to let go of my resentment towards my ex and his controlling ways. We were young and insecure, both of us. I have learned SO much about what I want to teach my kids about how to treat the people you care about and want to be with. I carry deep empathy for those I encounter now who struggle with being overweight. And like you, I love my life and all that it has become, is becoming - and none of it would be possible if I hadn't fallen for that macho dude.
And, 100 times yes on the prayers article!
Thanks Jenn, the link was bad, I fixed it :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't life so funny (and long, as we are learning here at 39 and (almost :) 38)? We can't always see the path, or know the reasons for the twists and turns, but I'm learning to trust that my feet are firmly on the path that they are meant to be on, today, and trust that path to take me lovingly to where I am meant to be. I'm glad that our paths have crossed, I have learned so much from you. Namaste, friend.
I loved both articles. I was stuck in the "why" for a long time in the first part of my life. And in the "what if" my parents hadn't divorced and my father hadn't walked away from debt he racked up in joint accounts without my mom's knowledge. "Why" didn't I get the father so many of my friends were bless with? As I moved past that many years long struggle, I was hit with the "why" again after K was born. These days it feels almost like watching a movie. You can be sad and cry for all that your former self went through, but at this point (luckily) life feels so much different.
ReplyDelete"...trust that path to take me lovingly to where I am meant to be." <--love this. I think this belief is what has helped me not let the fears of the future or regrets of the past rob me from the joys of my day-to-day life. It's still something I work on, as worry is in my nature, but the older I get, the better I am at trusting I will be able to handle what may come in life.