Heading into change.

I went to a class at The Center yesterday at 9:30. More Baptiste flow for 75 minutes. Blah blah blah. Boring. Why does every teacher around here only teach Baptiste flow? Gah its boring doing the same class over and over.

Then I also went to a 6 PM beginner flow class and a 7 PM regular vinyasa power flow class.

I think that there is change on the horizon, and change on the horizon makes me intensely uneasy (Its good change,  with lots of variables including possibly moving. Its also change that I have exactly 0% of control over, other than input in the final decision making). I'm trying to be better at this, to "go with the flow", to not get anxious, to not try to control the process, to not consider every possible outcome, every possible situation, but its difficult for me. So, yesterday, I turned to one way I have of coping with that anxiety, lots of yoga. Is it the most productive way? No. But the truth is that there isn't really a way for me TO be productive in the midst of this exact situation. Is three classes a day realistic, healthy, or even doable over the long haul? No. Will it do in a pinch? Yes.

I felt the social media overload yesterday. I generally am not affected by the deaths of celebrities. I mean, I don't know the people. Sad, yes, when they have kids and all, but I never get the huge outpouring of emotion from people for strangers. Yesterday, with Robin Williams passing, I got it. I did. I think that lots of us felt like we grew up with him around, from Mork and Mindy in the shadows of my memory as a kid to childhood favorites to today. To see him lose a battle with something that I have wrestled with firsthand is scary to me. He had resources. He had love. He had family. None of that was enough. And that just makes my heart ache for him ~ Because I've known those feelings of desperation and loneliness and fear and self loathing and all of it. And to know that he, despite every resource and despite being roundly loved by the world, lost his battle, scares me. It makes me hate this disease with renewed fury. It makes me think that I need to stop using the excuse "Oh, I will get to my Dr when the kids are finally back in school" and get there. Because it isn't something to play around with. My heart was heavy in savasana. For his family. For the family of everyone who suffers, but mostly for those who suffer with the pain of depression or anxiety.

My job, in the coming two months, is going to be to stay calm. To stay open minded. To stay supportive. To be open to what the universe lays before us. My hope is that I can do that well. Without anxiety. Without feeling incredibly vulnerable, or nervous about change, or about the lack of control inherent in some of the process of change. Instead of looking at change as a scary and vulnerable prospect, I need to practice poses which open my heart, which change my outlook to one of excitement, of endless possibilities, of joy. That is my goal. There is little I can do other than support Nate, keep the house peaceful, keep myself peaceful. Worry? Won't help. Love this little article. The flow chart? Totally on point.

To anyone struggling with anything, I wish you peace. I wish you joy. I wish you the ability to feel the love in your life, to recognize your inherent worth, and to have the strength and courage to admit when simple words or your own strength aren't enough to get you through the day, and to ask for help.