The waves keep coming.
Today was a super weird day. I was up at 4:45 and while I drank my coffee I read an awful interview. More on that in a moment.
Anyway. Sitting. I was extremely emotional this morning. Last night Luke, looking at someone (he is me) sortov walked his face into something. He made one of his not very loose top teeth very loose. Its coming out. Soon. I know its crazy. I know its irrational. But something about sitting in meditation today, something about being there in the place where he was but a tiny 8 week old baby inside of me 8 years ago, and now a 7 year old boy about to lose one of of his perfect chicklet teeth……made me emotional. The waves were huge. Crashing. Endless. Like time. You can't stop them. I can't stop this. They are beautiful. This is beautiful. Don't get me wrong ~ I don't want to go back ~ not for the world ~ its just the passing is so clear to me with these annual summer trips.
The dolphins danced as we practiced. Our teacher said "We wouldn't appreciate the dolphins if they were here in every season, would we?"…………….and the tears just streamed. She said exactly what I needed to hear, as so often happens if you are open and receptive to hearing it. I don't want to go back to that just starting the parenting season. I don't want to leap ahead. And if we were perpetually HERE, in this magical time that I'm loving so much, it would lose its magic. It wouldn't be so special. Part of what I love about this time is that it IS fleeting. It IS unique. Just like the dolphins come and go, so we appreciate them when they are here, I appreciate this season of parenting because I know very well that it isn't forever. I have to be grateful in this moment, of this time, because it is fleeting. I think that I am so deeply appreciative of exactly WHERE WE ARE RIGHT RIGHT NOW that I don't even have words for it. I love that tooth. My tears were tears of gratitude. There is nothing more bittersweet than watching children grow up. In the same way that I watch my yoga practice and my teaching grow and change, I see these kids grow and change right before my eyes.
The thing about yoga is that I will have it for life. The thing about kids is that its a finite period, the intensity of Motherhood. Though I'm a Mother for life, this "Mama" bit is a relatively small portion of life. In trying to practice non attachment the one place where I continually, predictably and PAINFULLY fail is in not being attached to each stage. I cling to these sweet days of ease and joy and how much they love me, how they need me, how they want to show me everything, tell me everything, be with me. I love how innocent they are. How unaware of being "cool", how eager to try everything, how they greet the world with open hearts and unbruised little spirits. I don't want the world to bruise and bang them, yet I can't stop it. And thats hard for me. So hard. I've taken a lot of licks in life, some that I wasn't really supposed to live through, and I just hope, I hope and pray and lift these people up to the universe that they can stay safe. That they can remain strong. That they can continue to see and believe in the good in the world. Being a Mom just tears at your heart when you know how unkind and difficult the world can be. Seeing the waves, the unchanging nature of the world teaches me that the world WILL be unkind. All I can do is try to equip them with the tools to be resilient.
It was another beautiful yoga practice yesterday, lasting a full 90 minutes. The kids and I again went up to the cove where we played on the rocks and collected shells and rocks, I ran my little 1.5 again. I was running too much last week again, bad Melissa. Toning it down. Stayed on the beach well past 6, made a delicious dinner, and went out for ice cream again. Today I have 10:15 yoga and we will spend a long day on the beach before dinner at Lucky Bones.
Do all Moms get this way? Or am I unusually crazy?
I totally have to agree with you when it comes to people covered in tatoos or body art of other sorts: if they didn't want everyone to see it they wouldn't have chosen to get said tatoos or body art in places that show. Clearly, they want it to be visible and, most likely, they want it to make a statement. Also, one can't help but stare for a second or two if whatever they've had done looks painful, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteAlso, seeing your yoga pictures totally makes me want to try to do a headstand! (Not now, but once this baby is out, that's going on the to-do list!) And what a gorgeous beach!! Anything is better at the beach, I think :)
Amen to your beach comments! I'm teaching a pre and post natal yoga class starting in September ~ wish you were in PA! I'm excited to follow along with the end of your pregnancy. I start every practice now with a 5 minute headstand when I'm practicing alone just to center myself…..its very grounding. I bet you'd come to love it :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not just you. I am on the verge of freaking out about P going into Kindergarten. Like, I'm pretty calm but there is a lurking anxiety that I'm really trying to not indulge but also not just stuff down deep. And like you alluded to, I don't wan't to go back to the sleepless nights and the colic and the diapers and all of the baby stuff, though I will say I miss when they were little and not grumpy or moody and I'd see their eyes light up when they saw me in the morning :) I'm having a rougher time I think than I did with O - he was my first but he's always been more of the family's kid - first kid, so B & I split really close to 50/50 on his care, and we had no idea what we were doing and my mom and dad were here all the time helping with him and he's been a Nana's boy since the start. And he's always been a less than super easy kid - he's a reflection of me for sure! So when he started K, I was a little emotional and it was bittersweet and I was a little wistful yes, but there was honestly also some relief. With P...she's been mama's girl from day 1, which has had its own challenges, still does. But I was so much more confident with her, and she's been my companion, tagging along with me from her sling days to riding on my hip to holding my hand, everywhere we go. Getting a little teary now.
ReplyDeleteI think what I struggle with is some sadness that in the baby and toddler days it was for me so much harder to just soak it in while it was happening. It was a harder phase on a more visceral, physical level - sleep, nursing, carrying, etc. - so I know there were the kairos moments where I did just stop and let their beauty wash over me, but I guess I wish I had been able to catch more of them, that I hadn't struggled or resisted the demands as much. But at the same time I know there's no point in dwelling in that, only learning from it and trying to change now what I can, so I'm off to snuggle with the 7yo who just awoke and called up to me, asking to do so :) love and blessings and waves to you, friend.
"Being a Mom just tears at your heart when you know how unkind and difficult the world can be."
ReplyDeleteSo much this. And all the rest. I find myself a bit wistful, anxious and melancholy this time of year as the school year approaches. It's a mix between all of us feeling ready for the routine of a new school year and the excitement and anxiety that goes along with the new adventure. It also is one of those moments every year which seems to solidify and mark the passage of time. Weren't we just agonizing over our first, fresh-faced little people heading to preschool? And now second grade? So fast.