Birthday Eve.

 My big girl on her last day of Kindergarden . Quite proud of the new kicks her Mom Mom bought her.

 Me, quite proud of my brand new freshie nephew, Leo. I got to love the little stunner on his birthday, and am so so happy for my amazing sister, BIL, and big sis Tessa. Love this boy already. So perfect.

 Yes, this made me ugly cry when I found it attached to J's report card. Her teacher sent it to her first grade at her new school. Good educators are a blessing ~ good educators who take the time to truly SEE and know your child? Invaluable. 

 My best evers and I at dinner with the spouses Friday night. So glad that they love me despite me. 

Picking out Flower Girl dresses today. I cried. I did a shit ton of crying in the past 36 hours. Damn.

Cried dropping off the kids for their last day of school on Friday. worked it out hard on the stairs and a barre class. Went with Mom to see that house…Nate was supposed to be there too but got hung up on the beltway coming up from DC and didnt make it. Mom is very concerned about the amount of outdoor upkeep, and thinks that the indoor space just isn't enough for us, as efficient and beautiful as it is. Nate thinks that its too far from CVGC. Valid. Its interesting that this all was on the same day that Luke had field day, which last year was the same day that I got the call which got me off the hook of taking that job with GE ~ the job that would have meant a live in au pair and all sorts of turmoil….(I cried with relief when I got that call). Yes, the salary  would have been nice, but in retrospect? It was a bullet dodged. I feel like hearing my Moms wisdom and Nate's concerns about this house on the SAME DAY this year feels like a message from the universe that this is a bullet to dodge. I'm dodging.

I feel crazy. I feel so emotional. Sweet Leo came earth side this morning at 5 am. I ran into a friend at the gym who is 40 and has kids like me, they are a little older, 9, 8, 6, and she is pregnant and due late September (a week shy of her 41st). She took Barre with me ~ and dinner with my heart, Jeannie (pregnant), and this prenatal class, and then holding Leo…….and I'm suddenly getting that broody thing again. I indulge it, for a few moments, and then think ~ GOLF! READING BOOKS BY THE POOL! MY CLOTHES ALL FIT!!!! Gosh, its just the weirdest thing ~ I am done. I feel done. I am happy with my family. But this desire to be pregnant just rears its head so strongly every now and again and its so weird. I feel like I'm crazy ~ I don't want a baby! But…….for a minute or two every day I do.

ANYWAY. Today was a rest day, nothing but tons of good food (our favorite bagel sandwich place now makes gluten free bagels. This is good news). The FG dress, Leo shopping, a baseball game for Luke, watching poor California Chrome lose (and his owner be a sore loser……losing is OKAY. Lose with INTEGRITY, always. Good message there for our kids).

Tomorrow is my birthday. Perhaps its the aging thing that has me broody? I don't know. I'm never ashamed of my age ~ my 20's were difficult, some great things, but also some pain that I would have wished on no one. My 30's have been overwhelmingly awesome. I married at 30. Had kids at 31, 32 and 34. Presidents Cup for CitiGroup (Jamaica Ritz redux) and career success. Sold my home, bought our home. Started teaching yoga. Got involved with the food cupboard. Ran. Broke. Healed. Helped others. Met nieces and nephews. Celebrated almost 9 years of marriage.

39. 39 feels like it will be good. I'm hurting, in some ways. I won't say that everything is perfect. I'm trying to work through some things. I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm trying. Life is hard, even when its easy on the outside. I want to invite blessings for the year ahead. I want to open myself up to good things, to healing, to health, to stability, to open-mindedness, to love, to acceptance. I want to be generous, with myself and with others. I want to continue to try to be the best Mom I can be, the best wife I can be, the best friend I can be, the best human I can be.

So, here we go. I'm excited to wake up and be 39 and teach yoga twice to start out my year. To play golf as a 39 year old with my husband and my parents. To go out to eat and celebrate with my family and my parents and to celebrate where I came from and where I am going.

Blessings. Hope. Belief. Generosity, I want to be more generous. That is my mantra, my intention, my theme for 39.

I wish you all generosity. Be generous with yourself. Be kind. Love yourself like the people who love you do.