Well, that was interesting.
So, I had a terrible…..interaction yesterday?
Having had a solid workout ~ 45 minutes of kettle bells and then my own 30 min interval/ball/plyo workout, I headed home to quick change and pack up lunches for us all. We were going to meet my Mom and Sis and kids at the mall to pick up fathers day gifts/end of year party game things and do some post birth walking on a rainy day. The mall is all of 7 minutes from my house. I had my hand on my beads, consciously breathing, consciously working to feel calm about my list of things to accomplish that afternoon. On my way there someone wouldn't let me over into the turning lane, almost driving me into the median. I had my turn signal on, blah blah blah. It was a bit scary. I had 2 of three kids in the car with me. I saw the person throwing their hands around and their hair flying around all crazy. I didn't react. She was in the wrong.
I kept my eye on the car and they turned behind me into the mall. At a stop sign a truck got between us, but I continued watching them, and then suddenly they were behind me again. My mind was racing, trying to figure out if this was a coincidence or if this person was following me. I hadn't done anything wrong. I looked around the parking lot until I saw two different sets of people, one man and one woman with a child getting into cars, and pulled in to park right near them. All I could tell about the person behind me was that I was fairly certain it was a woman. I parked near the people that I could see, dialed 911 but didn't call it, told the kids to stay in their carseats, and jumped out of my car, locking it. The person pulled up right behind my car. I've been the victim of a violent crime before ~ and if there is one feeling on earth that does not sit well with me, its being restrained or trapped. Seeing my car trapped by her car, with my kids in it, awoke this incredibly strong emotion in me, and it awoke it quickly. I moved fast to the back of my car, getting between her and my kids.
I asked her if there was a problem. She jumped out of her car and started freaking out. Like, waving her arms and shrieking about me being on my phone and almost causing an accident. I said calmly "I wasn't on my phone. My phone was in the back of the car" (one of the kids always holds it, locked, to keep me accountable to not use it, as I used to be very guilty of fiddling with it while I drove. I have bluetooth and there simply isn't any reason to have my phone near me while I drive). I then held up my phone and showed it to her and said " you are out of control right now and you are wrong. All I have to do is hit this green button and first mall security will arrive and then the police will. I suggest that you don't escalate this further. Move along". She started screaming ~ "YOU were wrong! I HOPE YOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT! I HOPE YOU CRASH!"………..Okay. At this point I told her her time was up and to get in her car. Now. I repeated myself, louder. "GET IN YOUR CAR, NOW". I offered her a last chance, hit the button on my phone, we all heard the 911 operator answer, and she jumped in her car and drove away.
The people around me (at that point!!!!!) spoke up. "are you okay? She was crazy! I'm so sorry that happened to you! Do you have kids in the car? etc". I told 911 what had happened but that I didn't need an officer and that I had no interest in filing a report.
It bothered me all night. It bothered me because I don't know how to feel about it. I admit that my first thought when I saw her get out of her car was "I'm glad I'm wearing a tank top ~ at least I can LOOK strong. Stand aggressively, hold up your phone, stand tall". That means that I was already thinking about physical violence. Should I have driven directly to a police station? Should I have assumed that the person WAS following me? (I didn't know, I mean, everyone in that immediate vicinity is going to the mall). I keep trying to sort out my feelings, because in truth I don't know that I felt fear as much as I felt rage.
Why rage? I feel rage because she was wrong. I felt like she put me in danger. I feel rage because I then felt like she was trying to physically intimidate me with her car and her anger. Would the right thing to do have been to stay in my car? That would have brought her to me, in my mind.
I don't know. I've never encountered someone with road rage before. My initial instinct was to feel very proud of how I had handled it, but then the anger that I had felt made me feel creepy. I'm not someone who has been in a physical altercation……ever……so its not like I go looking for parking lot brawls to get into. But it was my first thought. Was that just the Mama Bear? Was that just an old reaction to having been a victim before? What was that? Whatever it was I don't know that it was very yogic. Then again, what is yogic in that situation? To get out and wash her angry feet, putting myself in danger. Where is that balance between hearing the truth of others (she felt wronged, clearly) and recognizing reality? She was not thinking clearly.
It left me with a lot to meditate on this morning.
Its a big day of power flow and dance party, water balloon making and class partying, swim meets and book club. And, hope against hope, no fist fights.
How would you have handled it? Is it wrong to feel rage when you feel physically threatened, or you are afraid that your kids are in danger?
yikes. I honestly don't know how I would have handled it. I would not have wanted her to come at me, towards the car with the kids - I would have wanted to shield them from as much of it as possible. I think you handled it well, like a mom - I'm glad you stayed calm and on top of things and sent her away. Around here, I would have personally been worried about someone being crazy AND having a firearm. We're in a small metropolis, but we're still in the South, and people feel really strongly about their guns here. I say that not to start a gun debate, but just as a point of cultural reference...anyway, given that context, and playing out a parallel scene in my mind? I might have called 911 or mall security and pulled up to a front entrance of the mall, or driven around looking for a mall security vehicle. but that's in retrospect - if I'd parked, thinking possibly coincidence (which, trying to look on the bright side, right?), and then she blocked me in? I'd have called 911 - again, I think you handled it really well, but here I'd be worried about a loaded loony...if I saw her get out of her car, I'd have laid on the horn. I think. Who knows. I don't think you're second guessing yourself, but if you are, don't.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, I think the yogic thing to do is/was what you are doing - reflecting, nonjudgementally. If you can, a moment in her shoes, and try to find compassion - not sanctioning or excusing! Determining what your motivations were, evaluating your reaction, seeing what you can learn from it for the future. I'd have felt the mama bear thing big time - what does that teach me? That I'm very attached to my kids. Shrug - that's one I'm not going to let go of willingly, and I know that.
There's a story about I think Swami Sivananda - he was holding satsang and a crazed person barreled in with an axe to attack him. Sivananda's followers restrained the man & he was jailed. Later that night, Sivananda went to the prison and handed the man the axe, and said, here - finish the job you intended to start. The man fell to his knees in prayer, and pledged to serve the Guru from that moment on. The point my teacher made when telling that story - just last week I think! - was that Sivananda could do that because he was enlightened; so not only was he unattached to any outcome or to his own bodily form, but also, in the one on one interaction, the attacker could see clearly the brilliant light of the Self shining through. Now as for sadhakas, we don't go around giving people axes. We're not there yet. We watch, keep stepping back, observing, learning. hugs. and - beautiful mala :) May it keep bringing you back to the breath!
Thank you, sweet friend, for your thoughts. We talked about this tonight and I brought your insight into the conversation. You have no idea how much how I appreciate your input.
ReplyDeleteHello, I just discovered your blog and I hope you don't mind if I read. I know very little about yoga and think it would be cool to learn more.
ReplyDeleteThat said, when I read this entry it reminded me of a very similar situation I was in while in a parking lot once. Well, except you reacted much smarter than I did. I had my husband with me and no kids so that probably made somewhat of a difference, but reading about your experience makes me think that having 911 dialed is probably the best thing you could have done. (I threatened to fight the lady who, in my case ran a stop sign, almost hit us and then followed us and parked us in to yell similar insults. Threatening to fight her worked, but possibly, probably, only because my husband was there. Also, I work in a job where I see a ton of people from the community everyday, so I can't really afford to be getting into fights with them!!) What you said about feeling rage though, I'm pretty sure that's natural when some crazy person is attacking you, kids or not... though I imagine having them there accentuates the rage. I cannot even imagine what kind of idiot would behave that way in front of little kids! The fact that the people who witnessed this asked if you were alright and were on your side should give you a piece of mind too (same thing happened to me and some lady said she was impressed that I was going to fight the crazy lady... which actually made me feel awful because that lady had a little girl with her and I felt horrible for behaving that way in front of a kid -- be happy you didn't!).
Anyhow, I'm glad you're alright and I hope you don't mind if I follow your blog.
Hello, I just discovered your blog and I hope you don't mind if I read. I know very little about yoga and think it would be cool to learn more.
ReplyDeleteThat said, when I read this entry it reminded me of a very similar situation I was in while in a parking lot once. Well, except you reacted much smarter than I did. I had my husband with me and no kids so that probably made somewhat of a difference, but reading about your experience makes me think that having 911 dialed is probably the best thing you could have done. (I threatened to fight the lady who, in my case ran a stop sign, almost hit us and then followed us and parked us in to yell similar insults. Threatening to fight her worked, but possibly, probably, only because my husband was there. Also, I work in a job where I see a ton of people from the community everyday, so I can't really afford to be getting into fights with them!!) What you said about feeling rage though, I'm pretty sure that's natural when some crazy person is attacking you, kids or not... though I imagine having them there accentuates the rage. I cannot even imagine what kind of idiot would behave that way in front of little kids! The fact that the people who witnessed this asked if you were alright and were on your side should give you a piece of mind too (same thing happened to me and some lady said she was impressed that I was going to fight the crazy lady... which actually made me feel awful because that lady had a little girl with her and I felt horrible for behaving that way in front of a kid -- be happy you didn't!).
Anyhow, I'm glad you're alright and I hope you don't mind if I follow your blog.
I feel much the same as Jenn. I think I would have not even parked actually. I have driven the opposite direction of my home when I felt like imbalanced people might be following me with their road rage. That said, you were in a public place and protecting your children. Mama bear does what she needs to do in that situation. It's scary and enraging and I'm glad you are okay. Like Jenn mentioned, I immediately thought about people and their concealed weapons. Or not so concealed assault rifles in the middle of Chipotle. I can't even.
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Hi Kris and welcome! Happy you found my tiny corner of the internet and would love it if you followed along. Karly and Jenn I know that you are right about guns. I just don't even think about it in my little bubble ~ which is WRONG of me! And, (and again this is dumb of me!) seeing that it was a woman made me think *crazy eye killer* even less. Again, stupid of me and stereotyping! It certainly made me think about what to do if I ever find myself in a similar situation again, and I think that next time it will not involve me getting out of the car, even if I only suspect that someone is following me. The *chance* of someone being just a little more violent or unhinged than that women was just isn't one worth taking when my kids (or I!) are involved. I appreciate your feedback.
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