First games. And In my head.

 The two two's. Funny, as both coaches handed out uniforms randomly, both kids ended up with the same number. More amusing yet, both kids scored two goals today. In further irony, they each scored the only two goals for their respective teams. A good day for the M's, yet a net result of two losses.

Watching almost four hours of soccer in oppressive heat is exhausting. Proof. 

Okay! First day of coaching is in the bag. It was awesome. I have a great team of girls. Our goals:

1. HAVE FUN

2. BE GOOD TEAMMATES

They achieved these goals, in spades. In typical me fashion, I over worried about fairness, planning this whole elaborate line up and subbing thing, to ensure that each girl got equal playing time. I'm super sensitive to this as we have stronger and weaker players and I want to make sure that every girl gets the same playing time. What I didnt account for was oppressive heat (at 9:30 AM) and their own need for subs…….this made it super easy as I just got to rotate them very naturally according to their needs. The team was awesome, so kind and supportive to one another, they played tough, and we lost 4-2. Julia scored both goals, and I was a bit shocked as I didnt quite realize that she was as good as she is. Neat. 

I also didnt realize that coaching/officiating/timing would mean that I RAN around the field sweating my ass off for a full hour, while encouraging/coaching/subbing/etc. Damn. My shirt was literally soaked through. We have awesome parents and are going to have a great season. The girls are so nice to one another and have a lot of fun out there and it is all good. 

Ran straight to Lukes game a field or two over. He has essentially the same team as last year…….which doesn't bode well for him. This may be our last year with GCVSA. ENough said about that. ANyway, they got crushed, but the two goals that they did manage to score were scored by Luke, which was fun to watch. It was killer hot out there and I was so grateful for my hat. 

Came home for some lunch then straight to the mall to pick up the required gifts. Took Julia to my sisters, where she was being the Mothers Helper for my darling Nieces 3 year old princess party. 

Came home and was so in my head. I was worried about the way that my parents reacted to feeling "the bump". I can't go into it as I will start to have a panic attack, but lets just say that they were saying that they understood why the plastics person was involved. FREAK OUT. 

I ran. Running away never works, but it can help for however long you run. It was stormy. I got as naked as can be acceptable, and just ran. I was 100% running away from my worries. Hot, humid, and drizzling in between storms, I ran. Thinking about Jake, I almost sent myself into a panic attack. Not good. Had to calm myself down, deep breaths, deep breaths. Got into a rhythm for miles 2-3, then the storm hit. Huge loud thunder and lightening……At first I was a bit 'whatever'……..because I just wanted to leave it all out there, to bare my soul, to bury my fear and anxiety underneath my footfalls……..but then I started to have weird visions of my head being this perfect target. Picturing the triangle between my earrings and my nose  as this metallic beacon, just welcoming lightening directly into my brain. And while a good dose of electroshock therapy really could be just the fucking zinger I need to knock the bad thoughts that are creeping in about the bump…………..I probably want a bit more control over the dose, and all.  It won't help the boy or the bump if I go and die to overcome my stress. So. I sprinted my little overburdened heart out, maybe just maybe crying a little bit on the way. 

I'm not at peace with this. I can busy myself, I can distract myself, but I am PISSED. I am, yes I AM arguing with life about this. And yes I know that arguing with life is ineffective, and I know that arguing with life is fruitless, and I know that I'm arguing with unknowns at this point………..but I'm worried and I can't fucking hide it. Its my boy, goddamn it. 

So tomorrow I have to have my first three class clusterfuck, and hopefully it will go swimmingly, and then I get to coach again at 1:30 and then watch Lukes game at 3:45. And that will keep me busy. And hopefully yoga will calm my ass down. Because, friends, I'm not very calm right now. I'm managing, on the surface. But I admit that last night I crept into Jakes bed and performed my own version of reiki on his sleeping body. I put my finger on that bump and I revoked it. I literally cast it away. I sent all of my energy and love and prayers into it and MAN did I feel that energy going into my baby. Because I believe that intentions and directed energy and love are powerful. And I swear that I felt energy move. 

And I will do that again tonight, and every night, and I will set my intentions and I will take my breaths and I will put my smile on when I can and I will cry in my husbands arms or on the phone to my friends when I need to. This is my child. And whatever is happening in his face, his precious, beautiful, treasured face, will be overcome.