Getting through.

So I'm doing what I can do. Advocate. Pursue. Make calls. Make more calls. We have an appointment with CHOP on the 16th. I'm calling again on Monday (this was a double booked appointment, I'm hoping to bump it up further). In the interim, I'm just loving the shit out of my kids and keeping myself busy. I'm letting myself be loved fiercely by my friends. That is what friends do, and man do my friends love fiercely. Somehow I have lucked out in finding the friends who don't say "what can i do"…….they know to just DO. They call, they come, they are present. I've learned how much that means ~ in crisis, even in the threat of crisis, BE THERE.  I only let my 5 closest girlfriends know whats going on, and its been a barrage of texts and calls and dates and help. That is friendship, people.

I don't want to burden anyone else with what may be nothing. My family knows, and my parents are wonderful, but beyond that I don't yet want to ask for help, as we don't yet know if we have anything to truly worry about.

Me? I'm all about keeping myself occupied. Today was smalls first day. He was his handsome wonderful self. I lit right out to teach a deep stretch class at one of my crossfit studios. It was fantastic, and just what I needed to keep the tears away. From there I drove a mile to the trail, and got in a solid 6 mile run in lots of humidity. A lovely pedicure with extra long hot stone massage. I let myself leave my phone in the car, even abandoning my book, and I closed my eyes, sank into my massage chair, and meditated. For over an hour I let my legs and feet be pampered while I meditated on peace, on healing, on calm. I jut held my little boy up to the light, to god as I know it, and I felt blissful. I know my boy is in good hands, loved and protected, and that I am, too.

I came home and ate a huge healthy lunch, picked up smalls, and went into banshee mode here at the house. Attacked the downstairs, moving furniture as I vacuumed, mopped, cleaned out drawers, and made the transition from summer to fall decor. I was sweating as I ran around the house like a dervish. I  think that I love cleaning abnormally, given the chance, and today was my day. Putting the house in order makes ME feel in order. While things are always neat around here, a deep cleaning gives me a sense of contentment that is hard to explain. Its probably some sort of control thing ~ I can't control whats going on with the bump, but I can clean under sofas. So, I do.

A trip to get the boys suits for the weddings, and a great dinner out at Iron Hill as a family. I planned the line up for tomorrow and figured out how to rotate subs fairly and evenly, and I feel ready for our first game tomorrow morning. This coaching thing is fun! Tomorrow is crazy busy with 2 kids games (Nate has a golf tournament so I'm kindov winging it), shopping for a bachelorette gift for tomorrow nights dinner/night out for Brooke and for my best friends 40th, and then a night out a great Italian Restaurant (I'm skipping the club bit…..way way too much going on on Sunday for that business)……and then begins my first prenatal class (and two others, before our second game at 1:30)!

Positivity. Hope. Looking fear in the face. Chin up, and stuff. Lots, I mean lots, of deep breaths. Om.