Do you like yourself?

So.....do you?

I find this to be one of the most loaded topics on earth amongst women. If you don't like yourself, you worry that you have issues......and if you DO like yourself many would accuse you of having issues! It's like you can't win.

Before I get into that, I admit that I didn't take my rest day. Things changed, my project of death (i.e party bags and a project for my 4 year old for school) unexpectedly got done through hours of work last night.....freeing up my morning. That led to a workout. Sometimes my mornings come down to shopping or working out (the 2.5 hours of preschool simply don't allow enough time once one figures in travel time to really do much as far as getting together with friends go.......unless said friends are gym friends. Since my gym is 1/2 mile from my house, I have plenty of time to work out with friends, socialize, and easily make pick up). Shopping is a necessity in my life (i.e the procurement of food and poster board and the like....not chothes or house things, I loathe shopping and try to stick to a strict budget. I'm not a spender and I don't enjoy shopping.) Anyway. I spent 25 minutes on the stairs crying through my new book (the new movie about the kid who lost his father in 9/11, forget the title) on the stairs, then did a 60 minute HIIT class that was strength training and cardio intervals....then cooled down as I had 20 minutes to kill with a fast 2 on the treadmill. It was a tough workout, and just what I needed. I have at least 4 weeks of relative insanity/single parenting ahead of me, and I admit that rather than turning to medication or other vices I used to enjoy, I tend to turn to exercise. We all have vices, and this is one of my more palatable ones, all things considered.

I saw a post about "Skinny" on FB today, and it impacted me. Skinny is so overrated. Skinny is WONDERFUL if that is your build, and "real women" absolutely come in size skinny and they are just as awesome and real and worthy as the "real women" who come in large sizes. I am not one of those skinny people. I am a little person at 5'3, for sure, but not a "skinny" one. I have size 9 feet, gigantic strong hands, big thick wrists and a gigantic rib cage (the better to breath with, my pretty). If you don't like a muscular build, you won't like mine. I spent several years immediately after puberty (which was late for me, so I'm talking 16-18 here) trying to be "skinny". The funny thing is that when I started this skinny campaign I weighed all of 118 lbs at 16 years old. Puberty made me feel out of control, and I sought to regain that control in a way that I didn't understand, at all, at the time. I am not meant to be skinny. I cannot be skinny without being unhealthy. The simple fact is that I have muscle, and lots of it. I have accepted that and come to love it. When others worry about "bulking up" .....well, I'm bulky without trying. And that is okay. The moment when I stopped fighting my build is the moment that I truly accepted myself. And that was a beautiful moment. I had a raging eating disorder in my younger days ~ in my desire to be "skinny" I went from a healthy 118 to a frightening 89 lbs. I was so sad, and so sick. This ultimately was the reason that I dropped out of college ~ I needed 6 weeks of inpatient treatment out in Arizona. Even after getting out, it took me years to truly recover, to truly be at peace with food and with myself. It used to be extremely shameful to me ~ to admit that I had had this problem ~ now I find it empowering. I overcame something very, very powerful, and I am proud of it. Eating disorders are NOT about vanity, they are about control. And you know what? The world is a scary place, and when one has a ton of expectations and pressures placed upon them, they seek control in all sorts of ways. Some healthy, some unhealthy. Having a problem isn't shameful, not acknowledging it and fighting tooth and nail to overcome it, IS. I know what it is to loathe oneself, I know what it is to go to bed crying every night telling oneself "tomorrow I will do better, tomorrow I will just eat normally, tomorrow I will have self control".....and to fail, and to hate oneself even more. Those were lonely, hard years. In that time I ranged from 89 lbs (anorexic) to 135 lbs (bulimic and at college), neither extreme a healthy weight for my build. At 89 lbs I still wasn't skinny enough, and at 135 lbs I felt so out of control I remember idealizing suicide. Eating disorders are so, so hard. Harder than a drug addiction, in my mind, because one can stop doing drugs, but one can't simply stop eating food. I wanted to die. I remember feeling extreme relief when finally getting "caught" in my disorder, in finally saying "I am out of control" and "I just don't know what to do because I can't stop doing what I am doing even though every fiber of my being wants to stop".

The strongest and most powerful words I have ever said in my life, words which do NOT come easily to me, were "I NEED HELP". And thankfully, I am blessed with parents and friends who could help me. Within days I was pulled out of school, out of collegiate sports, and was on a plane to Arizona, to a wonderful amazing inpatient treatment center called Remuda Ranch. It saved my life. It saved my soul.

There will be more on this later, I'm sure, but the kids are about to wake up and I have exciting errands to run like returning a perpetually broken vacuum and a newly broken coffee pot. It's a glamorous life I lead.

I don't know why I got into this right now, other than to say that this little saying about skinny hit me today. Our culture is a hard one. It tells us to dislike ourself. It tells us that we are not good enough. It tells us that we don't try hard enough, or that we can't be who we want to be. THOSE ARE LIES. We, as women, owe it to ourselves, to our children, to the men (or women) who love us, to understand how we can be the version of ourselves that we can love. That version can work out 6 days a week, that version can enjoy slow long walks, that version can be happily overweight and healthy......that version just has to resonate with you. That version just has to go to bed happy and content about how you look. Not because you are perfect, but because you are at peace. No one really reads this blog......but if you do, and if you struggle with this stuff, I invite you to reach out to me if you want encouragement, or just some love, or just an empathetic ear. I know what it is to feel doomed. I do. And I know how incredible the other side feels, the overcoming side, the side that says "whatever size I am, however I look clothed or naked, I love this awesome body that I have, because it gets me where I need to go, it makes children for me, my partner loves it"......and ultimately to a place where you can say "AND I LOVE IT TOO".

Long passionate tangent. Sorry. Probably too much information. It happens. Chin up, ladies. You are beautiful.