Tomorrow's Race

I had a lovely 90 minute yoga class today, which was just the thing as I admit I was feeling sore after yesterday.

Tomorrow's race is going to be fun ~ a little 5K and some friends are running. I'm fighting with myself tonight. I admit to having two completely different race mentalities ~ I run to have fun with friends, or I run to beat myself. This photo was before the race that I ran with Jeannie last Mother's day. I had celebrated the Kentucky Derby the night before, was not feeling my best, but literally at the starting line I decided to run it as fast as I could. It being the only 5K where I tried to run at my max, I got my PR for that distance and somehow managed to come in 14th (it was an all women race, and a non running club race obvs). I pretty much considered throwing up at the finish and wasn't really able to talk to the kids for 3 or 4 minutes until I caught my breath). I went on to run several more 5K's over the course of the summer, very socially, with friends, enjoying the experience and not worrying about our time. Tomorrow will be the first 5K that I have run since last summer, and I am playing the game with myself ~ run fast, or run fun? Both are fun, of course, but one carries a set of expectations and one does not. There is NO WAY I will even finish in the top 10%, even if I ran a PR, it is a running club race (co ed) which brings out the serious runners, the college runners, the hard core people. Part of me is tempted to run it all out ~ it is the same course as this race above......and I have been running a lot more since I ran that race. However......I have been running long and slow, not short and fast, and it's going to be cold tomorrow, and (though I'm loathe to admit this) there is part of me that does not want to try to run all out and finish slower than I did last May. Isn't that silly? I'm not rested, I'm actually exhausted after the long run yesterday and a really trying week with the kids and Nate away. It's difficult sometimes being such a black and white thinker like I am. I don't necessarily like it, though I am grateful that that sort of extreme thinking/personality can push me to do things that I may not have thought myself capable of.

Anyone else think like this? Do 'normal' people just want to go have fun every time, or is there part of you that is time/goal oriented? My sister pointed this out to me before the Broad St run last year. She said I was nervous because I wanted to do well, whereas she was never nervous as she knew she just wanted to finish, and knew that she would. I never worry about running against other people, running is like golf to me, I want those around me to do their best, and never, ever worry about beating them.......its the desire to beat ME that I struggle with. While I don't necessarily understand where this drive or self competitiveness comes from, I suppose I am at least grateful to recognize it in myself.

I'm curious as to what will happen tomorrow. Short races compel me to run fast, if running fast is my goal, as I know that the faster I run, and the more it hurts, the sooner I am done, and the pain is instantly gone. Running is a lot like labor, in that ~ except in labor I had no idea if I had another hour or 14 hours of pain ahead of me. In a race, particularly a short one ~ the end line is very definitive. I run one mile, out of breath and searching for my stride. I evaluate. Once I'm halfway through that second mile, I play the game with myself, my mantra becomes "it's all downhill from here". Once I hit that second mile marker, I know that I have less than 8 minutes left, and then my thought becomes "I can do anything for eight minutes, if I could do labor for 48 hours surely 8 minutes of hard effort with an end in sight is something that I can endure". Anyway. That is how I think in a 5K when trying to run fast. If I'm not trying to run fast, I'm generally running with friends and chatting about things like "babygap is having a huge sale!" and not thinking about anything or in any way winded.

Anyway. Do you do this? Do you set an intention or a goal for every race or every run? Are you disappointed if you set a goal and don't achieve it? Does fear of that disappointment ever stop you from setting goals? Curious as to how others approach this.