Alone.

I've been a little alone lately. Not actually alone, that is reserved for naptime or bedtime (I sleep at their bedtime unless its the weekend)......but with the new and wonderful job, much travel has come with it, at least in the short term. In terms of missing my husband and best friend, I am alone a lot at the non friend times (bedtime, most poignantly).

Can I admit to liking it, as much as I hate it? I feel like somehow society associates motherhood/marriage and martyrdom in weird ways. I love to be alone, even if it is just in the shower while Jake plays in the bathroom. I love to be alone when Nate is studying and I have a choice between writing letters, reading, taking a jacuzzi, or simply closing my eyes at 8:30. I even will claim to love being alone on my runs.....even if Jake is with me. I can enjoy solitude, because I am fulfilled, not looking for someone to fulfill me. It's a balance, one so many seem to seek, or lack, or celebrate.

Today I got in 7.5 at EG. The wind was positively brutal, though the temps were lovely (in one direction. I was sweating fat salty sweat drops with my vest upzipped......then would turn the corner, zip up my vest, put my gloves back on, put my head down, and push like labor). Jake was annoying. He should be, he's 21 months and today I requested that he spend 71 minutes of HIS precious awake time, indulging my alone time. Runs with kids are weird. Today I felt this horrible thump thump thump ing while I was running. It shook my whole body. Had to stop as I thought I had a flat. Nope, just Jake banging his feet as hard as he could against the front wheel. Had to stop once for a shoe thrown astray (I ran over it, again thought I either killed a mouse or had a flat), and another time to retrieve a sock (Because strangers on the trail may entertain children with no shoes, but no SOCKS and you get super dirty looks or the dogs sent your way).

It got me to thinking (ironically, while not alone, but tonight with my best girlfriend down at the beach). Training for anything is hard. Hell, Motherhood is hard. But at the end of the day, on our runs, or with our children, we are all alone. There are no victims, there are no victors. (I mean, someone actually wins races, but they are not me or the people reading this). I have read lots of claims from Mothers of being "victims" to their children when it comes to exercise. I accept that. From a recent amputee. From a cancer patient. From someone dealing with a disease. Short of that? What you talkin bout Willis? We are ALL in our circumstances. Some of us choose to be victims, some of us choose to find ways to adapt. And if that is a truth that some people don't want to hear, so be it. If you have stairs in your house you can walk them. If you have arms and legs you can do burpees and squats and mountain climbers. If you want to be who you THINK you want to be, little obstacles aren't going to stop you. Excuses are.

I don't mean to sound flip. I recognize that I may, but that is okay with me. If I wanted an excuse to not be happy about my shape, I have it. I have it in spades. But I don't accept it. I won't accept it. I choose to find a way. If you DON'T want to find a way, kudos!!! Just don't act like it isn't your fault if you DO want to be different. Because that is lame. We create our lives, if we don't who the hell are we? If we don't want to be different, and keep doing the same things, we are in heaven. That is perfect. That is the goal. HOWEVER, if we do want to be different, we have no excuses. We just don't. Find a way. Otherwise, well, recognize that you are choosing the version of who you are, and either be happy with it, or get off of your ass and do something about it.

Lonely can be a wonderful gift. I have never, ever appreciated my time with my husband more than I do now. I've learned how to fill my time with my things, not self pity or victimization. Life is hard. Do stuff. If it isn't working, do different stuff. Just don't complain that your own life is out of your hands. If it is, there is a problem. We only get one of these ~ to waste it wanting to be someone different or to believe that we would be different people under different circumstances is a bit of a lie. This is it. Seize it.